Resolutions for 2011

I don't usually do New Year's resolutions-I see them as just another false start for me and most others. But this year I feel able to set some goals for the year, and I think the focus may be a good thing. Too easy to get lost in daily things, both good and bad. I forget to lift my head and see where I am in relation to the universe. Some of these are things I already practice, but I wanted to remind myself of what is important to me as I move into 2011. The gift of a new year...

Balance and gratitude are the overarching goals for 2011.

Too much of anything is probably going to cost me my teeth, my wallet or my soul. And an attitude of thankfulness seems right-I have so much to be thankful for, and it's easy to start griping and forget that.

I went a long time without new friends, having left or lost the friends I had when my children were small by moving across country, being too busy, and inattentive. This year I will nourish my new friendships.

I will get dirt under my fingernails (this is really cheating, as I don't think I could continue to breathe if I didn't garden too).

I will strive to be a good citizen of the world.

My rules

Ok, not in any particular order, I am giving you my rules for life. For tonight, just 2:

1. Be kind if you can; if you can't be kind, be civil.
2. No one has the right to decide if your life is good, only you can determine that.
3. Nobody can do everything; everyone can do something.

ok, that was 3. To be continued.

Christmas

Merry Christmas! My first law school Christmas, and it has been instructive. There are so many other things going on in my life right now-perhaps always. And a law student I am, but so many other things too. I shall strive to balance them all better in 2011.

Relationships-are overrated when you are in them, and sorely missed when not. Easy to make decisions for the wrong reason.

My garden-the soil and the plants call to me.

And the world-I must not stop traveling.

Hard to fit it all in, let alone work and daily tasks.

midnight and almost Christmas

Exams are over, traumatic as they were. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and all is well, even though it is not. Christmas has a way of making it so. It's nearly midnight and I should be sleeping, but I think I'm excited about Christmas. And I want to savor this feeling of hope and pleasure-going to sleep will end this natural buzz, and I want to prolong it.

In spite of my schedule, and all of the chaos of life, I think I have two friends. This is a rare gift, once one has passed the point of young parenthood, and I do not take it for granted. Two souls who seem to share my appreciation of life and some of the same path, but enough different to keep me thinking, and willing, I think, to call me on my shit. We shall see, I know I need to nurture these friendships. This is my gift to myself this year-to be a friend and to have a friend. Merry Christmas

Exams

I’ve been woefully absent from here, due to increased and sustained pressure at work, coupled with the impending exams for our first full semester of law school.

I have completed one exam, for Criminal Law, and have 2 more this week. Because we are in a part-time program, these are the only 3 substantive classes for this semester. Even though I felt prepared for the Crim Law exam, I am not too certain about my grade, as I find our professor a bit quirky. She has a healthy ego, and I am pretty sure anything she thought was an attempt to show off on her exams would result in negative consequences. And sometimes she thinks people are showing off or being obnoxious when there is not intent. This was the first real exam as well, so that was a factor

I got there early, as instructed, in order to use Examsoft, a governing software that locks up your laptop so that you can type your test, but not access the internet or any information you have stored on your computer. I was anxious but confident, ready to get it done. Then my computer did not seem to want to let me sign on and I freaked out, albeit silently. I reinstalled Examsoft and recovered my equanimity. I stepped out of the classroom about 15 minutes before the exam was to begin, to avoid the chatter in the room. I had on my iPod, listening to Christmas music.

At that point, I got an urgent text from someone at work, and so I called her. I knew it was a bad idea, but I felt I must. Upsetting news, really upsetting, but I had to get in to the exam and so I told her I would talk with her tomorrow and went in for the exam.

Finally, time to start. Focus, relax, you know this. Don’t allow the importance of the situation cause you to blank out. I have done outlines, studied black letter law, taken practice tests, I am as ready as I am going to be. Begin. We had 2 one-hour essay questions and then a set of MBE’s-these are multiple choice questions designed to trick you into answering them wrong-no kidding. Really.

About a half hour into the first question, my computer froze up. No error message, nothing. I waited a few moments, then typed some more, still nothing. What the fuck! Holy shit, now what!!!?? I looked at the front of the room-no proctor, no blue books.I took a deep breath and got up, heading to the office to get blue books, when I saw a stack of them toward the back of the room. And so I told myself it did not matter, and I started writing.

The Dean came in around the end of the first hour and was very unsympathetic, unprofessional and offputting. I had no energy to give to him, however, so I refocused on what I was doing and put him and his words out of my mind. No time to lose, as the second question was a doozy. It had 4 people committing a litany of crimes and I had a lot to scribble. The professor had said she is pretty good at reading bad handwriting-I certainly hope that is true. Mine is bad at any time, but after writing for more than an hour, it got noticeably worse.

About 2/3rds of the way through the second essay question, sort of on the home stretch, I found my mind being sucked away to the work problem I had learned of just before the exam. I really had to work to keep my mind on the exam, and press forward.

I felt I knew the law, and recognized the appropriate crimes, elements, etc. I won’t know until late January though, so for now I just have to go with that.

Having survived my first test, I feel more ready for the other 2. More studying to do, of course, but mentally ready for the challenge.

I am not so happy with the law school’s response on exam night. If I behaved that way at work when things went wrong, I would be in trouble. And while I do not expect any leniency, I do expect courtesy and professionalism, which were noticeably absent on exam night.

At any rate, on to the next thing. I will find an appropriate venue for my criticism and feedback at some point but I can’t waste energy on it right now.

I think one of our classmates may be cheating. But I have no evidence on which to base that, so it would be slanderous to say so.

2 days to Contracts, and one of them a work day. Can't seem to settle down, but I know I must.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving, and no studying at all.  I feel a bit unmoored without having any studying to do-actually I have a lot to do but chose to take the holiday off. I made turkey dinner for family and friends and now feeling the pull of my books.  First, things I am thankful for.

Laptop computers and blankets.  Electric lights and central heat.  food to eat, sunshine on my skin, freedom to choose.  My brothers and my sons.   For love that I never knew existed, for the pain that comes with loss and for being fully a part of life.  For law school and my new friends.

Grace and mercy in full measure have been mine this year.  For this I am grateful and full of thanks.

coalescence and chickens

Each week there is further evidence that we are becoming an entity.  This weekend I got emails from two people in the class and a phone call from another.  We grow weekly more comfortable with each other and more familiar with each other's idiosyncrasies.

There is another gardener in the group, good to know.  I need to balance the law in my mind with dirt in my fingers sometimes, and it even helps to just talk about it.  I have decided to get chickens this spring, after the house is stucco'd.  Life marches on, and while many things may wait a while, I find I can't just stop for 4 years but must fit things in where I can.  Projects moving along, albeit a little slower than they used to.  I just can't imagine waiting to have chickens for 4 years, nor can I imagine not gardening.  The beds will be smaller and the harvest lighter but there will still be dirt under my fingernails and eggs in my kitchen.

play

'Play is whatever is done spontaneously and for its own sake.'  I got this from my cousin's blog, it is a quote from George Santanaya.  So I guess I play at law, or at least at learning the law.  Aside from any economic considerations, I study the law because I love to.

I also love to garden and keep chickens, and travel the world.  I am still not sure how to assimilate all of those in one direction but I think time will bring me to that.

Uncle?

At what point do you say Uncle?  Work, school, study, housework, family, relationships.  Everything wants a piece of me.  Sounds like I’m whining and I don’t mean to be.  After all, I chose this, with full knowledge of what it would mean-or at least as full as I could know before actually doing it.  I can’t complain to anyone else, most of them think I’m crazy for attempting it.  Which I am.  Crazy.  But that was established long ago.

Mid terms loom and we are all madly trying to find more time in the day, better ways to study and retain the black letter law, take practice exams so we are ready for the real thing, and alternately thinking we are doing ok or sure to fail miserably. 

I’m pretty sure we’re being set up to fail by our Torts professor, who is entertaining and funny and knows the law but has waited until now to schedule 2 make up classes, and will of course show no pity in testing on all this last minute stuff.  Cognizant that we were in a hole in that class, I have been reading ahead and am close to finishing all the reading for the semester.  However, if I waited and read in line with the classes, I’d be in trouble now.  Also he gives us no ideas about the exam, nor does he give us solid black letter law definitions or elements cleanly laid out.  So we have no idea what to expect.  Well, we have an idea, there are a lot of sample tests out there.  But each professor has peculiarities and hot buttons, and I want to do more than pass-although that alone is a worthy goal- and so I want to know what he expects and wants.

time well spent?

Dynamic conversation tonight in class, but it means we are yet further behind in Torts.  That would be ok except it was a one person show, not an engaged class, and the logic and rabbit trail became absurd eventually.  So, the issue:  what is the most appropriate use of class time?  In particular, at this time of the semester.  To determine that we must consider the rule:  In order to practice law, one must pass the bar.  In order to pass the bar, one must study the law.  In furtherance of law study, one must pass one's classes.

The holding:  while extemporaneous dialogue and debate are often useful and enriching, it is incumbent on the professor to retain control and to measure the benefit to the class when a discussion arises, and to cut it off timely when the best use of time for the class is not to continue.

words and humpty dumpty

"A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanged, it is the skin of a living thought and may very greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and the time in which it is used" Justice Holmes

"when I  choose a word, it means just what I chose it to mean-neither more nor less"  Humpty Dumpty

I have always been fond of careful use of words, to better express the exact meaning and intent.  Of course, when one is in a hurry, or perhaps knows that they have just one short opportunity to speak, often they use the wrong words.  Maybe that is why I like writing so much.  It affords an opportunity to get it right that oral communication does not.  Additionally, sometimes in the heat of the moment, we truly believe that our words at that moment accurately describe our view of something, whereas upon further reflection, I often find that what I said is not what I really think after all.

"'rerum enim vocabula immutabilia sunt, homines mutabilia" Words are unchangeable, men changeable.  (quoted in Wigmore on Evidence).  What difference does it make if the words are unchanged in their meaning or our understanding varies with our own intellect, experience and circumstances?  The result is the same.

countdown to midterms

Just a month to the first midterm exam.  The stakes are high, although not as high as they will be at finals time.  Some professors use the midterm results only if they help our grade, and some use them regardless.  Either way, it will be a good gauge as to how our test taking skills stack up, and what black letter law we do and don't know.  So we can decide from those results how hard to work, and what to change, during 2nd semester.  Our grade is entirely based on the midterm and final exams, nothing else.

Which means...all the hours of briefing cases for class is largely so as not to be humiliated in front of everyone.  I've stopped typing briefs, and am now book-briefing, in an effort to leave more time for studying the black letter law, and theoretically for practice tests.  I'm making some progress on the black letter law, but clearly need to redouble my efforts in this month.

Meanwhile, things at work are at fever pitch, and I don't know at this point who will be left standing when the smoke clears.   I worry sometimes.

what I need to know

res ipsa loquitur, sed quid in infernos dicet?

sine qua non = without this, nothing

post hoc ergo propter hoc = it happened after, therefore because of the preceding event

parol evidence rule

Erie doctrine

there are many things to be said, and most of them true.

order and paradise

The law is a means to an end.  It is not the law because it is the law, but because it is adapted and adaptable to establish and maintain reasonable order.

Right now I'd settle for order in my life!  Or even in one part of it.  Planting trees and moving fences, not enough time to study but I really need a pedicure.  And then there's work.  What a circus it is just now, and no end in sight very soon.  One person really angry at me, no make that two.  Things could be smoother.

And then again, they could be worse.  I live in paradise.

Thursday

It's Thursday at 5, one more night of classes for the week.  By this point in the week I am beyond tired, almost floaty.  Somehow each week starts fresh, reading and briefs all done and I'm sure I'll survive this week intact.  And then by Thursday I'm right back here.  Hope springs eternal. 

on gel and air

So we're well into the first semester and hardly coming up for air.  My neck hurts from reading so much...who would ever have imagined.  Immersed in the law to the point that I sometimes forget that the rest of the world could care less about the topic.

Our class is beginning to gel into an identity, and I'm liking it.  We have the standard complement of odd ones, the ones you wonder why they are here, and everything in between.  But I'm learning to know and like them all.

away for the weekend

On the train, heading north.  Just like a little kid, excited and I want to do everything, and yet I am sleepy too.

Finished another week of classes, and still very interested.  I say that as if I’m surprised, but I’m not really.  I have always liked law, since I took Business Law in college.  Wonder where I’d be if I had gone to law school back then.  Woulda, shoulda, coulda…

Tonight was Torts.  I had  done all the reading, but had not briefed the cases, for some reason.  I thought I had them done, but clearly not.  I still remembered them and I talk too much in class anyway.  So not much chance of getting called on.  That’s mostly good, but so much for my plan to stop talking in class.  I don’t think I know how to do that.

*******************************

So it is not so easy to do my reading and briefing while visiting family-hard to stay at it.  Thursday night now and I am weary.  But I'll start the new week cycle again tomorrow night.  Also need to get ahead a bit, work on my outlines, study terms and elements and somewhere in there, pay bills, go to the store and have dinner with friends.  I sound like I'm whining, but I'm really not.  I only fear failure...or a C, which would be a disappointment at least.

annoyance

I am annoyed.  I am quite sure no one cares or would even be entertained but I still am annoyed.  I love, love, love the law and what I’m learning.  But that is not what class is about.  Perhaps I’ll learn some patience and humility from it.

On to more useful things…burglary

what it is to study law

To do the work is not to do the classes.  There is much more.  One must immerse oneself in the law-eat law, talk law (this becomes obnoxious to those not in law classes), spend all your time focusing on the law.  No time to pay bills, call friends and family, clean house, every day life.  I wish I could immerse myself in the law, but life intervenes.

rights

A duty is what I must do
A privilege is what I may do
A power is what I can do
A right is what some other person must do for me

Per Corbin as quoted in The Bramble Bush

Llewellyn says that there are (were) two camps on rights.  The idealists and the cynics, or realists.  The idealist sees rights as things.  Primary rights are something such as my right to have you perform on your contract with me.  They are not real in themselves, but are the substance of the law.  Enforceability of that right is another, separate thing, and is not the primary thing.  The right is, but the inability of the law to fully enforce it is not a problem.  Remedies inadequate-these are not a conflict, because you still have your rights.  The cynic, on the other hand, sees rights as that which is enforceable, for which there is real remedy.  If no remedy, no right.  As he puts it "defect of remedy is defect of right."  The law can really only be seen as it has effect, as it leaves its mark.

Patience and humility

Lessons to learn-patience and humility.  But if I haven't already learned them, not sure I can now.  

I guess one of the lessons I need to learn is patience, in addition to all the facts of the law and the art of law.  I know we have to go through the topics on the syllabus, but I want to get to the meat of it, to follow the rabbit trail, explore the philosophy of the law.  The professor will have none of that, though. I need to figure out how to relax and not be fully engaged, and yet, be engaged so as not to miss things I need to hear.

But what of the philosophy and arguments of the law?  The beautiful thing that I fell in love with.  Will this professor and others squash it like a bug?  How do I prevent that while staying engaged in class?

Or perhaps I do not need to stay engaged in class.  It is not a grade component, and the case studies are a small part of what I need to learn.  This year I need to learn the black letter law, and I need to practice issue spotting.  I need to learn CA law, Model Penal Code, Restatement of Contracts, Second, Second Restatement of Torts, and common law above all.  Class will help but I don’t need to talk in class.  Or so I am attempting to convince myself.

The Professor does a quick review of where we left off.  Then he gives us some rule of law and we go into a case.  The student called on must stand to brief the case.  At first this struck fear into each student’s heart and several got lost in their own notes due to the enhanced anxiety.  But now most seem to take it in stride.  Each professor has their own preference as to how to brief, and this one really wants to hear a very brief summary of the facts, and then the issue and rule.  No fluff, just concise.  He particularly likes it when you get it wrong-this is a much greater opportunity for a teaching point.   Only what happens when you don’t give him enough wrong answers?  Or are foolish enough to ask a question that isn’t on the list of topics for the day, or takes today’s topic to it’s next stop-but not on the agenda.  Boredom, frustration and resentment.  But all of those harm only me, and so I need to figure this out.

And that is where a little humility will aid me.  This is not all about me, even if my attending law school is all about me.  The class and the syllabus are not.  This is not learning by sitting at the knee of a great philosopher, it is pragmatic instruction by practicing attorneys.  And while I would love to get into the study of jurisprudence and the philosophy of law, I do not know enough yet, and I need to find willing other students to engage in this.  Classes are for briefing and syllabus following...

the maze

I feel like the mouse in a giant maze with stacks of cheese around every corner.  I stop and nibble but am distracted by the next pile, whose edges I can just see at the corner, and off I go.  So many things to learn, no way yet to categorize and organize them, and so many sources, many conflicting.

And then work, and the house, the garden, family, life.  I'm tired today, but never regretful.  This path I've chosen will take me to other more difficult choices to let go of some things, in order to succeed at this choice, I know.  But still at peace with my decision and excited about the law.

blinded already

09/21/10

If law makes blind, more law will make you see  Llewellyn

Similar to the process in military boot camp, the first year is reported to be about unlearning and being overwhelmed that what was true yesterday is not true today.  Learning the black letter law, while necessary, is only the skeleton of the body of law;  one must learn the living law in order to have the tendons and musculature to hold the body upright and to learn to walk.  I am not even crawling yet…

There is a lot of reading involved.  In addition, one is counseled to brief cases for class, and to make course outlines.  There is a whole industry of study aids sold to law students:  audio instruction, outlines, cheat sheets of key facts, practice MBE’s and essays, ancillary prep classes…if one is willing to make the investment to study law, they are often willing to plunk down some pretty serious money to raise their chances of success.  This is even more true when it comes to the Bar Exam-just look at the pass rate to know that there is no easy pass here.  But beyond all of this, there is another element of prep and study that appears to be helpful in learning the law, and critical to a real understanding.  Reading the assigned pages over and then again, reading ancillary texts and papers, discussion with other law students and when possible, professors.  Breathe, eat, think and sleep the law.  It becomes all consuming very quickly.

It is a mistake to see law as the usual source of ethics, it is usually the other way around.  Bramble Bush, pg XII.

study group

It appears that we have a study group put together.  I think an effective study group is highly beneficial in law school, based on what I’ve read and what I experienced in the introductory classes.  However, the wrong assemblage of persons for the group could have negative effect and so I am slightly apprehensive.  I have no reason to question the choices of people to join the group, I’m just being a bit of a worrier. 

We decided that the maximum number was 6.  Then later we heard that the ideal number is 3-4.

We are having our first meeting this Sunday, and it appears we are all excited.  After Tuesday’s class, as we were all heading to our cars, Abigail called me over to see what she has to work on for her internship position with Marin County.  We were standing there and Peter came by, then Andrew saw us and stopped his car to get out and join us. Makes me feel good about our group-all seem to be serious and committed, and have some level of ability to do the work.  Each of us seem to have a class/topic that causes us more trouble than others, and I think we’ll help each other’s level of understanding.  I also think the people in the group enjoy the law, which is an illness, I know, but I am infected and would like to surround myself with others who suffer from the same.

The class

We are 20, give or take a couple of people.  Compared to a typical law class, this is quite small.  However, I have to confess I look forward to the distillation down to the more serious students who will stay the course through the full 4 years.  That appears arrogant on the face of it, but what I mean is, statistically, I know some number of our 20 is bound to leave during or at the end of the first year.  I am completely engrossed in our subject matter and the law, and would like our class discussions to move more quickly than they sometimes do.  That being said, I also appreciate our professors’ patience and inclusiveness.  So there you have it.  A war between my better self and my impatience and selfishness.  Not the first or the last time that will happen.

Criminal law is taught by a prosecutor, who was recently elected DA.  She is very knowledgeable about her subject matter and pragmatic to the core, or so it seems in these early days.  She gives little hints of her opinions but clearly has learned to walk a path of objectivity.  She appears to be impatient but reining that in as she deals with the first weeks of first year law, with us bumbling and ignorant students as lumps of clay sitting in front of her.  She wants a clear recitation of the facts, including the procedural facts, and very clearly expects us to learn the black letter law as we go along.  She makes the introduction of concepts more of a priority than I expected, as the Socratic method would not seem to include that.  In my very uninformed opinion, she fluctuates between lecture and Socratic method.  Given our green state with regard to a knowledge base, that may be the best approach.

I am anxious to be done with homicide.  I’m even looking forward to assault and battery, as a better option than discussing cases where the story always ended badly.  In a homicide case, you can be certain that someone died, after all.  I am sure this is a fatal weakness were I planning to become a criminal law attorney, but I feel the pain underlying the facts too much, even that of the defendant sometimes.  And my strong aversion to the current state of the penal system further burdens my heart and conscience, as I read about people (real people) whose lives were basically over in an instant, sentenced to 15 or 20 years in prison for a mistake that many of us would also make in like circumstances.  I am not saying I want the guilty to go free.  I simply abhor the choices and the devastation on both sides of the case.  Still, I am enjoying learning the law and can set aside my soft side when needed to argue the points of law.  I so love the logic and reasoning aspect of law.  While it seems to drive Peter nuts, I even like the progression of the law, the evolution of thought that is evidenced in the cases we read, and the ambiguity and variance in the rulings give me comfort and hope for the future that I typically find challenging when I look at human history.  Bad law can be changed.  Hallelujah.

Contracts-ah, my secret love.  I find myself so jazzed up by the end of contracts class that I can’t sleep for a couple of hours.  My mind is buzzing and I want to follow the rabbit trails to see where they may lead.  The UCC and the Restatement of Contracts, Second are my new reading for pleasure.  I have discovered some writing by some great legal minds, such as Lon Fuller's The Reliance Interest in Contract Damages.  I am tired at night but want to read.  Such a dilemma.  

why?

Why study law at 50 years of age?  From a vantage point of 25, it would seem to be too late.  I don't think it's ever too late to thirst for knowledge and to follow the urge.  There may be very good economic or personal reasons not to make the choice I've made, but those are items to be placed in the scales and weighed against the way my blood runs hot and my mind wakes up when I begin to read or discuss the law.  In my case, 5 or even 10 years ago, the scales tipped against law school.  But today, they do not.  And so I have begun.

Earlier this spring I took the required introductory classes: Introduction to Jurisprudence and Introduction to Legal Research and Writing and am now engrossed in the early days of  the stage fondly called "first year".  The school I attend is a night school, and it takes 4 years to finish rather than 3.  That may make some disdainful, but before you sneer, know that this school performs well in terms of bar pass rates, moot court and other competitions and is accredited.  And it means I can go to school while working full time during the day.

The things I write here are just my opinions.  Any reference to other students or teachers is purely my observations, and may include some fiction.  I've become enamored with legal fictions and fully intend to use my own fictions here.  If you think you recognize someone, think twice, because names and descriptions will be intermixed to protect identities.

Here's to another new beginning!  Life is full of them, and each is a gift, a shiny new joy to be discovered and explored.