I want what I want, until I get it

You work for something and then in the end, you wonder what it means. How important is it, really? What really matters when it's all said and done? I swear I don't know, and I don't think I ever will. I could say that caring for others, and being cared for, are paramount. But that caring seems so fleeting too. One that you thought would be a part of your life for always, is gone tomorrow, whether due to death, life changes or just a slow death of friendship. What really lasts? Some would say it is God, religion, belief in the eternal. But I do not know how to believe in what I do not believe. I do think that we are spiritual beings, and this must mean something. I just don't know what. I long for permanence and then I chafe when I achieve it. The grass continues to be greener over there, no matter which field I'm in. And so Christmas, which seemed to bright and wonderful, has lost some of its shine. And what is left? Some pleasant and even meaningful time with friends and family, some gifts given with loving intent, and glasses raised together. But then there is tomorrow, and I don't see the reason now for all that pre-Christmas rush. Normally I would be looking past January and February, and planning for the garden. But this year there is no time for that, and perhaps that is for the best. What value this annual cycle, this doing over again what was done before? But what value is there in any of the strivings, in any of the things we do? Still, I want the things I want, not the least of which is meaningful time spent with fellow human beings. Such a series of contradictions!

Life is too short to do what you do not love

Water rights, adverse possession and bailment-all music to my ears. I'd still rather not get tested on them, but I do find them pleasurable. So close to temporary lightening of the load, and it already feels good. And yet, near the top of my list for Christmas break? Reading some more Shari'ah law. I don't think there is a drug to give me what law school does. What will I do when it's done? I might be an intellectual junkie, and my chosen drug is not cheap. But oh so satisfying. I just don't understand those who go to law school and hate it.

Can I have a do-over?

Discretion is the better part of valor, or so it is said. But what has valor to do with what I say? Valor is defined as "strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness; personal bravery" I see the sadness in my friend's eyes, and I know I put it there by my words. I wish I could take them back. Do no harm. Something to aim for. And meanwhile, regret at words spoken doesn't sit very well in my belly.

that hair

Saturday morning diner breakfast after a late Friday night for me; the woman with the face of a hundred sad stories sits at the counter, her small pack at her feet that holds all she owns. Her hair is mussed, and her clothes are disheveled. I sit in a booth just feet away, my mussed hair covered by a hat, and some of my clothes are the ones I slept in last night too. But what a difference in these few feet. I slept in my own warm bed last night and it's only been 24 hours since my last shower. More notably, I know where my next several meals are coming from. In fact, I think I might be able to eat for a month from my freezer and cupboard. I have the luxury of these existential musings about law school and life, and while I should not judge the depth of her discernment by her appearance, all indications are that she is operating at a fairly low level on Pavlov's hierarchy of needs. The owner gives me a wink and a smile as he passes. No one looks her in the eye, in fact they look only to categorize and dismiss. I am reminded again of gratitude. Because mostly I'm where I am because of things that do not come from my own hands, and mostly she is too. For the many blessings of my life, I am thankful.

You're not 6 years old anymore

The rules say you can't have it all. And while I chafe against arbitrary and limiting rules that aren't for the prevention of harm, this one seems difficult to debate. I want what I want, and yet some of what I want is in direct opposition to other things I want. Much like some of the law I've been learning. You can't, but you must. You may, but if you do so, you will be liable for the damage. I love this study of the law and yet the practical application is so imperfect as to be hideous at times.

momentary satisfaction

Holy shit, the stress of law school exams is amazing! I never would have believed it if I had not experienced it. It's such a total mind fuck. We are back in it again, one mid term done and two more to go in the next week and a half. I do not feel I was as prepared as I should have been, especially for Evidence. I feel confident that I passed but of course that is not quite enough. We will see, in about 6 weeks, how it really went. For just this moment, before I stoop and pick up the shovel again, and start digging, a big sigh of relief. One small milestone passed, and that feels good enough for this moment.

early morning revival

What a difference a day makes. Each morning is a new day, to state the obvious. Yet in the sense of new beginnings, it truly is for me. Last night was a dark and angry place, and today running at 4:30 am in the sweet early morning darkness, I felt again the morning's promise, and renewal with it. Which is a good thing, because midterms loom. The pressure has been mounting, and you can see it on people's faces and in their quietness. We all know now what's at stake and what it takes to survive. Just figuring out how to do that-that is the dilemma. Life intervenes ever so inconveniently. Still, there is the promise of each new morning, and I can't help but believe then that I can do it.