poker face

After three years of law school and one left to go, I realize that I know nothing about how to be a lawyer.  I am humbled and discouraged, and frankly scared shitless that this was yet another of my frivolous purchases.  Usually buyer's remorse kicks in before I've even left the store though.

I've gone down this road at mid-life-who am I kidding?  Past mid-life, and perhaps I'm one of those people now that others smile at to my face, and then in private wonder why I am trying to act like I'm 25.

I'm not sure who made the rule that people of a certain age are supposed to yield the floor, but I'm unwilling.  This is the only turn I get at this thing we call life, and I want all there is to be had.  I want this, the law, all that it means for me.  The intoxication of new ideas, new ways of attacking the hurdles in front of us, trying good things and having the tools to accomplish some of them.

 I'm not sure what failure after law school looks like but for sure giving up on going all out is failure for me personally.  I want this, and more-I need to know I haven't settled for less for the sake of things like the approbation of others, financial security or ease.  There really isn't a choice for me, I must do this thing.  But still, today I'm kind of sick to my stomach.

In poker parlance, I'm all in.

the fix for the doldrums

The area within roughly five degrees either way of the equator is sometimes called the Doldrums.  The rising warm air at the equator moves north and south but as it moves, it cools, which draws it back toward the equator.  This in turn results in desultory winds that could stall boats powered by wind alone for an indefinite period of time. I don't know the etymology of the term, but the internet says it comes from 'dull'.

Like sailors of old, I find a pattern in our law school semesters.  The beginning of a class is exciting and challenging.  It generally means new professors, new mix of students and new possibilities.  And like the warm air, we rise to the challenge.  But then about now- mid way through the semester, a sense of inertia creeps in.  Why do today what I can put off until 15 minutes before class after all?  And all those plans to stay ahead of the reading, to start projects early?  Let's just say those plans are about as effective as the ways sailors used to try to avoid the doldrums (throwing horses and cattle overboard).

Of course I know that in about 3-4 weeks, the pre-exam terror will set in, and will shock me out of this torpor.  Perhaps it's a necessary rhythm.  In the meantime, I think I'll go cast a cow overboard.

ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies

What is truth?  To whom do I owe it?  I remember an ethics of communication class in college, and the discussion of Bonhoeffer's writing on truth-telling.  What I got from that long-ago discussion is that not everyone is entitled to the truth from another.  Perhaps it was what I wanted to hear because it gave me a means to protect my privacy, but I adopted it.

Truth is more than words and it is no words at all.  If I don't have the right to ask the question, I have no grounds for complaint when the answer is something less.

betting on the come

Is severance pay separate or community property?  Based on Wright, it is separate property, which makes sense when you consider that it is compensation in lieu of future salary (post-separation).  But given that most severance is based on years of service, it seems a little bit murky, because then the community's efforts are what 'earned' the separated employee the severance.  Earned is in quotes because given that severance is generally discretionary as long as it complies with company policy, there may not be a vested right to it when a reduction in force is implemented.

Our professor explains this by saying that the event that gave rise to the property was post separation (in Wright, for instance).

What I take from this and almost all of my Community Property cases is this:  marriage is a roll of the dice at best, especially from a financial perspective.  People go into marriage with stars in their eyes and warm fuzzy feelings in their guts, and base long term decisions on that euphoria lasting.  But of course it almost never does.  Best case, most couples carve out a state of mutual tolerance and compromise.  Many uncouple as they grow and change, or don't grow, don't change.

What is it that drives the urge to meet at the alter in today's society?

Blessed be those who do not conform, for they make us uncomfortable

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward."

This is from an Apple marketing campaign, but it's true enough to be worth restating.  And I would add that the misfits we need to thank for their contribution to the greater good include other marginalized, maligned and misunderstood:  those who live on the street because they cannot live the life that is prescribed for them, those that wear odd ensembles, those that either can't or don't conform to the social niceties.

If they make us think, if we are reminded to stop and think, then they have perhaps moved us, as individuals, toward a more enlightened view of the universe.  And hopefully the individual impact has a collective good, I don't know.  I find it hard to see that evidenced in the world, but maybe.  Regardless, I am benefited when it is me who is made to stop and consider an alternative to my accepted truth.

the sands of time

There it is again, regret at turning away from chances to do things, both simple and grand, because I:  must study, must do things I've had no time to do while studying, have no money because I'm paying for law school...

But really no different than anyone, because our days are a series of choices as to how we invest our hours.

I can feel time slipping away like grains of sand held in my fist.  Time being so much more precious than money, it's hard not to wish I'd spent some of mine differently in times past.  But I can only impose my present sense on today.  Contravening this sense of limited time to live is the pressure to do what I ought-buy thoughtful gifts, spend time with people who need that time, cut the grass before it gets embarrassingly high, put things to right.  How can I do both?

a day not of repose

One son's birthday, meetings all day at work, class in the evening, and still this to do after class:  clean floors in my house, go hear a friend's band, return the borrowed car and pick up my own car.  And sleep sometime!

How will I function when I have less to do?

overcast skies

It's been an overcast and gloomy Sunday, and I have managed to do a lot less with my time than I should have.

My parents are coming to visit this coming weekend, and I have meetings all week at work with out-of-town guests.  Today I should have cleaned the house, gotten groceries and read ahead because I know it will be hard not to fall behind this week.

And still I dither, looking at Community Property, and then going off to do some imagined errand, back again, anxious at the thought of how to organize the information, and then off again.  It's going to be a long week.

procrastination

More cases to brief for Community Property and a demand letter to draft for Advanced Legal Writing.  But tonight my friend had time to help me with my grape arbor, and I had some old episodes of West Wing to watch.  It's 8:30 and time to get to work.

365 days and counting

Graduation today for the class of 2013.  It feels more real now, both because I know most of this year's class and because it is a year away for us now.  I've gone to graduation each year since I started law school.  I know it's ridiculously cheesy, but it inspires me to think that if I persevere, I too can attain this thing, a J.D.  So each year, I dress up and attend, usually with my friend Abigail.  But she is in Italy doing an L.L.M. program this year, so no Abigail.  I did meet up with several classmates, and saw several current and former professors.  Mostly I dreamed of making it up there next year.