poker face

After three years of law school and one left to go, I realize that I know nothing about how to be a lawyer.  I am humbled and discouraged, and frankly scared shitless that this was yet another of my frivolous purchases.  Usually buyer's remorse kicks in before I've even left the store though.

I've gone down this road at mid-life-who am I kidding?  Past mid-life, and perhaps I'm one of those people now that others smile at to my face, and then in private wonder why I am trying to act like I'm 25.

I'm not sure who made the rule that people of a certain age are supposed to yield the floor, but I'm unwilling.  This is the only turn I get at this thing we call life, and I want all there is to be had.  I want this, the law, all that it means for me.  The intoxication of new ideas, new ways of attacking the hurdles in front of us, trying good things and having the tools to accomplish some of them.

 I'm not sure what failure after law school looks like but for sure giving up on going all out is failure for me personally.  I want this, and more-I need to know I haven't settled for less for the sake of things like the approbation of others, financial security or ease.  There really isn't a choice for me, I must do this thing.  But still, today I'm kind of sick to my stomach.

In poker parlance, I'm all in.