what doesn't kill me will make me stronger

or so they say. I talk too much. I don't know how to talk less and stay engaged, but clearly I must learn. I'm frustrated and irritated and embarrassed. Good day overall, wouldn't you say? I'm sure I should have a thicker skin, but I was born with the one I have. And I love this subject. Fuck. Seems like a repeat of last year's Tuesday night class. Not sure what that means.

filling the cracks and crevices

So here I sit, 10:30 on a Saturday night, in the study with the door closed, so that the light won't disturb my house guests. I'm reading Civ Pro, having given Evidence a lick and a promise, and having read all of Real Property with a relish. If I can discipline myself to get the reading done, I can circle back and actually study Evidence and Civ Pro, both of which badly need more attention. There's the reading, which is often challenging to complete, but almost always useful. And then there is actually learning the concepts, Code and rules of law. That involves some intention, and I am ready to apply myself. All I need is compliant house guests and just a little more time.

how we spend our time

LIfe marches on, in spite of the intensity of law school. At first it was possible to put things off, but soon you realize that with 4 years of this, you have to figure out what to hang onto, what to let go of, and how to fit in what you must. My elderly parents are at my house for a week, and while they profess to understand that I need to study, still they talk to me and around me as I try. I need every part of a weekend to study, and now I know I'm giving up many hours to cooking and hosting. And yet, I can't just ignore them. They may well not be here when I finish law school, and they try very hard. And besides, life goes so quickly. Second year is all consuming. I know I said that about first year, but it's more true this year! And still exciting, intellectually stimulating and engaging. Except sometimes on Thursday night in Evidence.

one day is 10 days

I'm sitting in the next to last row, on Thursday night, near the end of a very long week. I think this week lasted about 2 months. And still one more day of work to go.

the futility of human relationships

Sounds gloomy, doesn't it? I guess that would be accurate. We try so hard to connect with others, whether for friendship, companionship, mutual aid or romance. And in the end, all of these connections are flawed, and often break down. Why then do we still try? We get sideways with one person, just to seek out another, often without even a conscious decision to do so. Often, our interaction with others is imbued with falsity, in our attempt to make ourselves attractive or likeable. What then is the truth? One friend I know disappears when feeling dark, feeling the need to be witty, charming and socially adept in interactions with friends. Another holds back her feelings, seeming to be unaware of others' words that wounded or actions that were indicative of thoughtlessness. And yet she does notice, does feel the pain of thoughtlessness. All of us dress our selves up in a virtual way, and of course, such cordiality does ease everyday interaction. I'm sitting here feeling the emptiness of failed attempts, and the futility of future attempts. And yet what else is there to do but try again, if I want to inhabit my days fully? No risk taken means no sweet success, and that is not to be abided.