I want what I want, until I get it

You work for something and then in the end, you wonder what it means. How important is it, really? What really matters when it's all said and done? I swear I don't know, and I don't think I ever will. I could say that caring for others, and being cared for, are paramount. But that caring seems so fleeting too. One that you thought would be a part of your life for always, is gone tomorrow, whether due to death, life changes or just a slow death of friendship. What really lasts? Some would say it is God, religion, belief in the eternal. But I do not know how to believe in what I do not believe. I do think that we are spiritual beings, and this must mean something. I just don't know what. I long for permanence and then I chafe when I achieve it. The grass continues to be greener over there, no matter which field I'm in. And so Christmas, which seemed to bright and wonderful, has lost some of its shine. And what is left? Some pleasant and even meaningful time with friends and family, some gifts given with loving intent, and glasses raised together. But then there is tomorrow, and I don't see the reason now for all that pre-Christmas rush. Normally I would be looking past January and February, and planning for the garden. But this year there is no time for that, and perhaps that is for the best. What value this annual cycle, this doing over again what was done before? But what value is there in any of the strivings, in any of the things we do? Still, I want the things I want, not the least of which is meaningful time spent with fellow human beings. Such a series of contradictions!

Life is too short to do what you do not love

Water rights, adverse possession and bailment-all music to my ears. I'd still rather not get tested on them, but I do find them pleasurable. So close to temporary lightening of the load, and it already feels good. And yet, near the top of my list for Christmas break? Reading some more Shari'ah law. I don't think there is a drug to give me what law school does. What will I do when it's done? I might be an intellectual junkie, and my chosen drug is not cheap. But oh so satisfying. I just don't understand those who go to law school and hate it.

Can I have a do-over?

Discretion is the better part of valor, or so it is said. But what has valor to do with what I say? Valor is defined as "strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness; personal bravery" I see the sadness in my friend's eyes, and I know I put it there by my words. I wish I could take them back. Do no harm. Something to aim for. And meanwhile, regret at words spoken doesn't sit very well in my belly.

that hair

Saturday morning diner breakfast after a late Friday night for me; the woman with the face of a hundred sad stories sits at the counter, her small pack at her feet that holds all she owns. Her hair is mussed, and her clothes are disheveled. I sit in a booth just feet away, my mussed hair covered by a hat, and some of my clothes are the ones I slept in last night too. But what a difference in these few feet. I slept in my own warm bed last night and it's only been 24 hours since my last shower. More notably, I know where my next several meals are coming from. In fact, I think I might be able to eat for a month from my freezer and cupboard. I have the luxury of these existential musings about law school and life, and while I should not judge the depth of her discernment by her appearance, all indications are that she is operating at a fairly low level on Pavlov's hierarchy of needs. The owner gives me a wink and a smile as he passes. No one looks her in the eye, in fact they look only to categorize and dismiss. I am reminded again of gratitude. Because mostly I'm where I am because of things that do not come from my own hands, and mostly she is too. For the many blessings of my life, I am thankful.

You're not 6 years old anymore

The rules say you can't have it all. And while I chafe against arbitrary and limiting rules that aren't for the prevention of harm, this one seems difficult to debate. I want what I want, and yet some of what I want is in direct opposition to other things I want. Much like some of the law I've been learning. You can't, but you must. You may, but if you do so, you will be liable for the damage. I love this study of the law and yet the practical application is so imperfect as to be hideous at times.

momentary satisfaction

Holy shit, the stress of law school exams is amazing! I never would have believed it if I had not experienced it. It's such a total mind fuck. We are back in it again, one mid term done and two more to go in the next week and a half. I do not feel I was as prepared as I should have been, especially for Evidence. I feel confident that I passed but of course that is not quite enough. We will see, in about 6 weeks, how it really went. For just this moment, before I stoop and pick up the shovel again, and start digging, a big sigh of relief. One small milestone passed, and that feels good enough for this moment.

early morning revival

What a difference a day makes. Each morning is a new day, to state the obvious. Yet in the sense of new beginnings, it truly is for me. Last night was a dark and angry place, and today running at 4:30 am in the sweet early morning darkness, I felt again the morning's promise, and renewal with it. Which is a good thing, because midterms loom. The pressure has been mounting, and you can see it on people's faces and in their quietness. We all know now what's at stake and what it takes to survive. Just figuring out how to do that-that is the dilemma. Life intervenes ever so inconveniently. Still, there is the promise of each new morning, and I can't help but believe then that I can do it.

see saw

There seems always to be an inequality of friendship that cannot ever be resolved. Much like romantic relationships where one loves more than the other, this is a recurring theme in nearly all relationships, it seems. I do not want the burden of you caring more than I do, nor do I want the weakness of caring more than you. The options, though, seem limited. Check out completely? How to do that and still squeeze all the juice out of life? I know enough about who I am that I know certain strategies simply are not sustainable. It may be a uniquely American issue-this need for community and belongingness, with a still stronger need for independence and the ability to limit our commitment to others. Sounds rather selfish, doesn't it? Yet it is our culture, and part of who we are. And I rather like the freedom it gives, frankly. I think perhaps it means loneliness for many, but then again, it is quite possible to be lonely in a crowd of people who know you but do not understand you (aka family). And being boxed in by one's history has its drawbacks as well. Push and pull, yin and yang, what will it be? Probably a constantly shifting response to the most immediate need, and no long term comprehensive approach to life on this planet. Humanity is sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly, but always messy.

my wagon trail

For the first time in my life, I will not have a Christmas tree this year. This is a personal choice, fueled mostly by the necessity of allocating time. I suppose some part of it is also that I want to relax sometime during my holiday break from school, and taking down the tree is a chore I dread. So, presto...no tree to take down if I don't put it up! I've given up many things on this law school journey, sort of a figurative wagon trail, where the remains of things left behind to lighten the load litter the side of the road. All deemed important treasures at the outset, but as time and the journey take their toll, something needed to be sacrificed. My pile includes time with my brother, reading for pleasure, traveling and my garden. I hope to return to these things in due time,but I am mindful that some things do not wait. And so I struggle to balance it all, and still survive this chosen journey.

a list

Thanksgiving dinner, and we took the time to talk about some things we were thankful for. My list is long, but sometimes you would not know it. First thing on Thanksgiving morning, I went running. As I ran, I fretted-about how to get my studying done, how to pay for law school, the upcoming audit at work, the list of things to fret over was plentiful. And suddenly I realized, it's Thanksgiving. And while I do have legitimate worries, I have many, many things to be thankful for. Time to think about what I have, rather than focus on what I don't have done. I'm reminded of the things I wanted to focus on in 2011, and gratitude was one of them. How easy it is to forget in the daily push! I'm thankful for the way the bath mat feels on my bare feet, the way I feel after a good run, the opportunity to study law and the intellectual stimulation that comes with it. Good friends, my family, the garden that I spend too little time in, the pleasure of intimate connection with another, all of these. For having a voice in my path, for independence-ah, perhaps the greatest gift for someone like me. This list could go on, and perhaps it's mundane or at least trite. Still, an approach to the day that includes gratitude for all the day holds cannot but help. Let me be present today, in this day.

a matter of perspective

Old friends long unseen, with whom there is a level of comfort and acceptance hard to find elsewhere. And yet, a sense of loss, of damage not to be undone, too much to capture with words and the time allotted-and are we so far past the days of knowing that it's not worth retrieving? And is the remembered intimacy really that or just a fallacy? Or do the lost days not matter, we slipping comfortably into what can only be compared to a favorite flannel shirt that is so soft and fits just so. And in the exchange of new words, the companionship and ease of old friendship is more than satisfactory. Where words are really not as important anyway. New friends, no ugly history, everything bright and shiny. The excitement of new discoveries, so many questions to be asked. New ideas, introductions to a way of thinking not yet known before. Or just an attempt to leave ourselves behind, yet again? And having to explain the scars, with inevitable misunderstood landmarks on the path of my life that may derail the friendship or may elevate it-a risk that may not be worth taking. Unsaid things are beautiful or ugly, sometimes both. When I hold my tongue to ease the path of another, it is good. When I hold back words because I do not want to take the risk of trusting you, the person I call friend, then the cost, while unknown perhaps, is great.

meow

Slowly climbing out of the pit of impossibility and finding ways to study, learn and even live a little. Thanksgiving is coming soon, and time with friends is a siren song. Running with Abigail on Saturdays, the farmer's market, occasional dinner and conversation-somehow there is still time for a little of this. I'm sort of like the cat in the poster, hanging on by its claws. And still...I might make it. No time for movies, books or the garden, but time to breathe, as long as I'm listening to law while I do it.

broken record

I detect a theme in my life right now. I am freaking out at the work left to be done before exams, work is pressing, and life is stacking up. But all of this I chose. I need to find a way to be present in it, and appreciate the beauty even in this pressure cooker. Otherwise, why bother? And meantime, I also need to find a few more hours a day. Since I'm not giving up sleep, eating, work, running or school, I will no doubt be absent from here for much of November. Hopefully I will have something to say at last.

what doesn't kill me will make me stronger

or so they say. I talk too much. I don't know how to talk less and stay engaged, but clearly I must learn. I'm frustrated and irritated and embarrassed. Good day overall, wouldn't you say? I'm sure I should have a thicker skin, but I was born with the one I have. And I love this subject. Fuck. Seems like a repeat of last year's Tuesday night class. Not sure what that means.

filling the cracks and crevices

So here I sit, 10:30 on a Saturday night, in the study with the door closed, so that the light won't disturb my house guests. I'm reading Civ Pro, having given Evidence a lick and a promise, and having read all of Real Property with a relish. If I can discipline myself to get the reading done, I can circle back and actually study Evidence and Civ Pro, both of which badly need more attention. There's the reading, which is often challenging to complete, but almost always useful. And then there is actually learning the concepts, Code and rules of law. That involves some intention, and I am ready to apply myself. All I need is compliant house guests and just a little more time.

how we spend our time

LIfe marches on, in spite of the intensity of law school. At first it was possible to put things off, but soon you realize that with 4 years of this, you have to figure out what to hang onto, what to let go of, and how to fit in what you must. My elderly parents are at my house for a week, and while they profess to understand that I need to study, still they talk to me and around me as I try. I need every part of a weekend to study, and now I know I'm giving up many hours to cooking and hosting. And yet, I can't just ignore them. They may well not be here when I finish law school, and they try very hard. And besides, life goes so quickly. Second year is all consuming. I know I said that about first year, but it's more true this year! And still exciting, intellectually stimulating and engaging. Except sometimes on Thursday night in Evidence.

one day is 10 days

I'm sitting in the next to last row, on Thursday night, near the end of a very long week. I think this week lasted about 2 months. And still one more day of work to go.

the futility of human relationships

Sounds gloomy, doesn't it? I guess that would be accurate. We try so hard to connect with others, whether for friendship, companionship, mutual aid or romance. And in the end, all of these connections are flawed, and often break down. Why then do we still try? We get sideways with one person, just to seek out another, often without even a conscious decision to do so. Often, our interaction with others is imbued with falsity, in our attempt to make ourselves attractive or likeable. What then is the truth? One friend I know disappears when feeling dark, feeling the need to be witty, charming and socially adept in interactions with friends. Another holds back her feelings, seeming to be unaware of others' words that wounded or actions that were indicative of thoughtlessness. And yet she does notice, does feel the pain of thoughtlessness. All of us dress our selves up in a virtual way, and of course, such cordiality does ease everyday interaction. I'm sitting here feeling the emptiness of failed attempts, and the futility of future attempts. And yet what else is there to do but try again, if I want to inhabit my days fully? No risk taken means no sweet success, and that is not to be abided.

things I like

I like adverse possession, due process and riparian rights. I like the thrill of a shared idea or thought, that makes a light bulb go on in my head. I like the way two of my three professors take us along the path. I know they know where it's going, they've gone down it many times with prior students. But this is a new journey for me, and I am finding it engrossing and mostly delightful. I like the questions asked by my fellow students, they serve to enlighten me. I like the occasional gathering at the fire ring at the Hilton, and the discoveries made there. I find logic and rational thought satisfying in a way that most else does not. Oh, and I like a few other things as well. I am intoxicated by life in my 50's, never knew it could be so. Learning is a wonder drug.

the inca bridge

Some paths must be finally walked alone. They are too narrow, one can only go single file. I watch my friend take a solo journey that we others can only accompany on for a little way. And then we must perforce let go our hands and keep walking. On what I would call the backside of Machu Picchu is a sheer cliff of some several hundred feet, with certain death at the bottom. Cut into the face of that cliff is a narrow path of stone-presumably done to make it impossible for an invader to approach undetected and in force from this direction. What it means is that the traveler must walk single file, no one can walk side by side along this stretch of the path, even though before and after it is a wider path that will accomodate them. We all have Inca Bridge experiences in life, and on the other side of them, we are not the same person who began. My friend will be forever changed, and will have experienced something we can't know. I know we all have some piece of this in our lives. Each has their own private burdens and joys, that no one else can really know. And yet.

What I will do and what I won't

I'm learning (or re-learning) that I do not play well with others. I get too bossy sometimes, and others I just am not cooperative. So I'm not sure if study group is a benefit, where I learn life lessons that do not come easily; or a waste of time. I'm already well past the half way point in life, and I have generally come to terms with the idea that who I am is not always who I thought I'd be, or who I think I should be. I am assertive and sometimes overly so. I have my own ideas, and while I enjoy hearing the ideas of others, if they make grand generalizations or are dismissive of the underrepresented, I tend to dismiss their ideas out of hand. Someone who is bigoted or closed minded must be wrong-yes, I see the hypocrisy in that! But here's the thing-that is how I feel. If you don't stand for the rights of others, then I am likely to disagree with and dismiss much of what you have to say. And given that I am acutely aware of the limited amount of time I have on this planet, the next logical step is to say to myself "self, you should not waste time in a debate with someone whose mind you will not change, and who will not change yours, over things you hold dear". The result is likely animosity or frustration, and I don't want to actively encourage such attitudes in myself or others. I'd rather we discuss topics less fraught with disagreement, and leave it at that. I know I have a lot to learn, but what I'm referring to is to things that are core values. Reminds me of the song on my ipod - "Is there anyone who ever changed their mind from the paint on a sign?"

what is one's due?

"One is not entitled to justice, just due process." Statement made by my Civil Procedure professor. Another rabbit trail to follow. My mind continues to expand, but I wonder what's falling off the other end?

skeletons in the closet

We discussed California Evidence Code §1108 in class last night. I found myself in an awkward position-I abhor the damage done by sex crimes, which are by their nature generally perpetrated against the more vulnerable. It's easy to get up in arms about the child molester, the serial rapist and like actors. Yet I am troubled by the dismissal of what I see as the constitutional rights of the accused. 1108 says "In a criminal action in which the defendant is accused of a sexual offense, evidence of the defendant's commission of another sexual offense or offenses is not made inadmissible by Section 1101, if the evidence is not inadmissible pursuant to Section 252." All other evidence of prior criminal activity is generally inadmissible for the purpose of proving conduct on a specified occasion (§1101(a)), but this is not necessarily the case when someone is charged with a sex offense. I know I'm not addressing all elements of this discussion here, such as the judge's ability under §352 to weigh the probative value of the evidence before admitting it, but there are potential issues with that process as well. Referring to the comments in a recent post, if one is not entitled to justice, but only due process, then what happens if due process gives me 25 to life, when justice would gotten me an acquittal? A person charged with a sexual offense may have evidence of prior similar acts introduced against him/her even though they have never been convicted, tried, even arrested for them. In fact, the prior acts may be alleged for the first time during the instant case. What completely blew me away though, is that the standard of proof for the other acts offered as character evidence is preponderance of the evidence, NOT beyond a reasonable doubt. How is this due process of law? In one case I found that weighed this issue (People v Falsetta, 986 P. 2d 182), the court stated that even if the general rule against the use of propensity evidence against an accused 'were deemed fundamental from a historical perspective, we would nonetheless uphold section 1108 if it did not unduly "offend" those fundamental due process principles... in light of the substantial protections afforded to defendants in all cases to which section 1108 applies, we see no undue unfairness in its limited exception to the historical rule against propensity evidence.' The court discussed the fact that sex crimes are usually committed in a private setting with no witnesses aside from the perpetrator and the victim, and often without substantial corroborating evidence. The trier of fact often has to decide who to believe based on conflicting stories and not a lot of other evidence. 'Section 1108 provides the trier of fact in a sex offense case the opportunity to learn of the defendant's possible disposition to commit sex crimes.' On the other side of the argument, the court identified three reasons to use the general rule rendering propensity evidence inadmissible. (1) relieves the defendant of the often unfair burden of defending against both the charged offense and the other uncharged offenses, (2) promotes judicial efficiency by avoiding protracted "mini-trials" to determine the truth or falsity of the prior charge, and (3) guards against undue prejudice arising from the admission of the defendant's other offenses. (cites omitted) Because the evidence that can be admitted only applies to sex offenses, and because it must first be subject to pretrial notice and opportunity for the defense to argue against admission, the court found it was not unduly burdensome. (in this case, the defendant had actually been convicted of two prior sex offenses) The requirements of §352 mean that the court must weigh such things as the nature of the prior acts, remoteness in time, whether there had been a conviction and other relevant facts before admitting the evidence. All of this may temper the risk of unduly prejudicial evidence reaching the jury; however, I find that small comfort. I think that when it comes to fundamental rights, abrogating those rights for a select group of people lowers a barrier that ought not be lowered under any circumstance. If this can be done, what else is possible? The slippery slope is just that. How many of us have no skeletons in our closets? There are many kinds of skeletons, and few can live to middle age without their own stash of them. I know I have no desire to have mine displayed in a public courtroom, and I have grave doubts about my opportunity for a fair trial on the merits once they have been paraded in front of a jury. I do not know if there is some third choice other than the two nearly equally distasteful ones that seem to present themselves here, but I'd be interested in knowing what you think, and if you have any alternate suggestions?

to breathe

This second year is worrisome. I'm drowning, and it's only 3 weeks in. And life presses ever more insistently. I owe a piece of myself to others, and I'm slowly sinking in a morass of beloved obligation. Meanwhile, my yard continues to look like shit, I'm behind on paying bills, and I worry about my job. My car needs fixed, I want to get a motorcycle and I need to plan my son's graduation celebration. And I try to fit in some sanity inducing time with friends and my brother as well. Brreeeaaattthhheee..... It's all I can do just to hang on. Feeling all alone and desperate these days. On to Real Property tonight. Paying bills at 6 am tomorrow, and hoping to stay one step ahead of disaster. And trying to look serene through it all. Perhaps I'm doing too much, but none of these things are easy to delete from my life. Nor do I want to give them up.

success once tasted

Disappointment, and no one else to blame but myself. I don't like that very much. But it will be motivation for this second year, there is no doubt about that. I knew I had slacked off in Crim Pro, and that I was not likely to get a great grade. And I know that just passing is good, so I should be satisfied. But still. Damn it!

It's only a letter

Grades are due this week, and all else fades into background noise until we know how we did. Even for those for whom the grades are not do-or-die, the tension builds. And we wait.

the loss of a friend

I know I'm very focused right now, on law school and all that goes with it. I see that I need to get my oil changed, my car repaired, my grass cut, do laundry, pay bills, shop for food, call my parents, and so much more. But I can't do it all. And I know I'm spending less time with friends and family than they deserve.

I lost a friend today, and while I'm not foolish enough to attribute all of that to law school, it has played it's part. I'm supposed to be studying-a lot-this holiday weekend. But there is a pall cast on everything, that permeates all. So I'm playing music and attempting to study, and thinking about my friend. I did not, and would not, meet expectations. And now I am much poorer for it.

the people

We have about 30 in this melded class. The second group, just coming off their first year, is significantly larger than our little group of leftovers from our First Year, which ended in April.

It's too early to tell who might become a friend, and what alliances will be formed. Some are bound to leave in a couple of weeks, and that will tighten the group down to mostly what will carry through, although we are likely to lose a few more at midterms.

Many of the new class are younger students, and that will no doubt shape some of the in-class discussions, and for sure will affect the out-of-class friendships that develop. I'm sitting tight for now, suspending judgment or decision on my classmates.

The classes

And I thought terror was over after first year. I am intimidated! Last night was Real Property, and while I thought,and think, that I have a bit of an edge in that due to my line of work, the professor will make it a real challenge. He is a commissioner, and quick witted, funny as hell and sharp. Engaging in discussion with him will be stimulating and all consuming, but he has the edge of knowing the law well and more importantly, where we are going. No doubt he will win in all encounters, but I'm going to give it a try. His approach is different than any of our prior professors. He assigned cases or pages to each of us,and we basically need to know our assignments inside out. I have a page and a half of notes. At first glance, that sounds like a light assignment, but I'm sure he will break us down, one at a time. And I for one want to meet that challenge. But of course the risk of failure is daunting, and the ensuing embarrassment that would result is what I fear the most.

And tonight, we have Civil Procedure. This professor is also a commissioner, and he seems to have an ego. He is having fun finding ways to make us look a little ignorant, and to 'school' us. I find this annoying but I will withhold judgment for now. I have heard good things about him from other students who have had him. So I'll pend for now.

Tomorrow, Evidence.

The holy trinity, more or less. Each of the second year professors seem to have a similar theme-time to start thinking like a lawyer, a professional, and to treat class assignments as a serious endeavor. As our Property professor said, if you are going to practice law in this county, your classmates and professors will be your peers, and this is first impression time.

falling like flies

We 20 or so is now just we 9 remaining. Brutal. Some of the people who made such an impact are gone. Some due to grades, some for other reasons. Life takes lots of turns, and law school is hard on folks.

We will be joined tomorrow night by the class of January starts, and we will then journey through this year together. Hopefully we will meld well. They will have just finished Contracts, Torts and Criminal Law, and after a few weeks, some of them will disappear as well, due to grades. But there's no sense of superiority available as we watch that happen. It's too easy to become one of those who don't make it.

Adding to this is some other drama swirling about. As I was warned by a wise friend, things tend to splinter at the end of first year. And so we head into 2L with a gutted class, and some of the ones I most dearly wanted to travel this road with have stepped away.

Treasure hunt

Treasures abound at Hastings School of Law library. Outcasts and the likes of me are allowed in, and I got lost in the stack upon stack of law books, all at my disposal. I went there to see what they might have about Islamic law (Shari'ah law) and was not disappointed.

I shall return, but for now, I must devote my attention to 2nd year topics: Evidence, Civ Pro and Real Property.

Year 2

Hard to imagine that I still have 3 more years of law school. One year down, plus a summer of classes. The 3 years ahead stretch out interminably, but I know how fast this last year went.

Evidence, Civil Procedure and Real Property on the horizon. One week off, between finals and the start of the new year. I will spend it reading for the new classes, of course. Time off is an illusion, at least until after the Bar exam.

It will be interesting to see the make up of our class next week. We have lost so many from the 20 that began, and it saddens me. The interplay between the various class mates, and the personalities, particularly of the more outspoken, served to enrich and expand our experience this past year. We will gain those who just completed their 1st year classes over the summer, and then in a few weeks, we will lose a few of them, when grades come out for the semester just ended. As the advice goes at this juncture-wait to befriend any of the new ones, some of them will be suddenly gone in 3 or 4 weeks. But of course, I'll find that advice hard to heed. I am more social than I ever realized before.

While I too await grades from my summer classes, I do not have to worry about being ADQ'd from them, just because I have already passed the first year. Two of the three are pass/fail, and do not affect my GPA. I do not have high hopes for my Crim Pro grade, but I hope to at least pass.

It's a roller coaster ride, and sometimes I get anxious about what the next turn will bring.

satisfaction

My mother used to say "be careful what you wish for." The truth is that we mostly don't know what will satisfy us, and what we cast our yearning eyes upon is usually not going to give more than momentary satisfaction should we obtain or attain it.

And so I am, as often, discontent. Not with law school, work, friends or family. I think the discontent runs deeper than that, and is part of the essence of my being. I shall not ever be satisfied. Best felt on a Sunday afternoon perhaps, but I sense that missing piece more often than I care to admit. My parents, and many others, would counsel me to turn to a religious solution. But I have no hope of that filling this void either. It must feel authentic, or I cannot espouse it.

I think I want something or someone, and that if I can just have that, I will be content. But discontent soon follows.

Perhaps it is my natural condition, and I must become either comfortable with it, or at least accept it. Hard to fathom how to accept discontent. By definition those two seem irreconcilable. The only consolation is that now I know how fleeting satisfaction is, and I treasure it when it resides in me. But just as the morning brings new hope, new pleasure, just as surely it brings discontent all over again. What was satisfaction yesterday no longer is, or it must at least be gotten again.

As the song says, "I can't get no satisfaction...I try, and I try and I try and I try..."

What I can do tomorrow

The tri-annual slog has begun. At least this time around there is really only one class. Perhaps next summer I will take the summer classes more seriously. I seemed to think I had time...later. And now later has arrived. And still I procrastinate.

old knowledge newly discovered

A friend gave me a copy of the New Yorker that has an article about Lucretius and his two thousand year old epic poem, "On the Nature of Things." I think I am in trouble. Fascinating, and I must know more. The article tempted me with other things, either never known, or long forgotten, that now I must rediscover for myself.

We recently embarked on a self directed pursuit of the sources of law, and I have decided to investigate Shariah law, or Islamic law, and its roots. Which explains why I now have my very own copy of the Quran. And while I should be working on my Bankruptcy final, I can't quite tear myself away from these discoveries just yet.

If only I had been so curious as an undergrad years ago. What wasted time and years!

an end and a beginning

We careen rapidly toward a messy but definite ending of the summer term. And I am glad. It has a different feel, less definition than the regular semesters in the fall and spring. More possibilities, both for adventure and failure, or so it seems. It is easy to get lulled into a false sense that the pressure is off, the expectations are less. And suddenly my Crim Pro final looms, and WTF!

Saturday is my oral argument for Moot Court, and I'm mostly ready, and excited about that. I did not think I would enjoy it but I want more.

Books for next semester are coming this week. Another beginning, almost like a clean slate. It matters not what I did last year, or last semester. New opportunities and new challenges...

I wonder how life without law school will ever measure up, after the intensity and intellectual stimulation of these 4 years.

a new rabbit trail

The history project begins, and I am excited to partake of it. The roots and basis for all kinds of law, and only ourselves to guide us. What a lovely world, where one finds others with a curiosity about things, and the will to follow the rabbit trail.

yearning without end

We think the next thing is going to satisfy us. For some of us, it's religion, some drugs, others the next relationship. And on a minor level, we all seek that certain something in many small ways.

I find a brief slaking of this thirst in travel, in the study of law, in the arms of someone who cares about me, in the knowledge that I belong to a community of others. And yet...

I know some claim to have found it in religion, but I can't see that. For me it is not that simple. Perhaps that is the draw of organized religion, like the package deal on a cruise, or the bedroom set of furniture. No discretion or discussion necessary, because it has been so decreed. I kick against the pricks, and see no end in that. I don't eschew a spiritual path, but I very much doubt that the pursuit of that will give me the peace of arrival at that unknowable place. In fact, it may very well unsettle me further, as I examine my place in this world and with my fellow humans.

What does this have to do with the law? Nothing directly. But one of the things that briefly satisfies is intellectual discourse with interesting and questioning others, and I find that in spades via this law school experience.

Yet never enough, of anything.

briefly

My Moot Court brief is finished, for better or worse. Once I checked the bound copy to know that all pages were there, I have been afraid to review it further. If I find mistakes now, I'll fret, and there really is nothing more I can do. The printer is closed today, the brief is due tomorrow. It's a closed chapter.

The case was not an interesting one, a personal injury lawsuit by a person who was at fault in an accident, suing the municipality for negligence and design negligence. I was assigned the appellant's side, the plaintiff. I learned a lot, which is the point. And now, orals.

And hopefully I will catch up on my reading for my other classes in the next week or so.

splinters

The things you give up to get through law school are surprising. I'm trying hard to hold onto some sort of normalcy, but the unending wearing away does have an impact. It is hard to maintain my old friendships in the face of no time, and I find myself interacting more with my fellow classmates than anyone these days. I think that must get old for my family and friends, I can see it on some faces. But surviving through 4 years of law school requires that I engage with the other students, and of course, the intellectual and mental stimulation is like a drug. I seek more of it, not less.

But I am sure that we must be a bit obnoxious. We are embarked together on an intensely emotional, mental and even physical journey, with lots of personal and important events along the way, and it binds us, not unlike other highly compressed events. Only the effect of this one going on for 4 years is that we must fully engage with each other.

I'm looking for ways to integrate both the law and non-law areas of my life, to bring the people together so that I may feel less splintered and pulled. Dinner last night was a very nice start. It was good to bring some people from two areas of my life together and have them get to know each other a bit. On the 16th I'll try another layer or two.

tail-less

I saw a lizard on my way back from lunch. It had a crooked tail which seemed to speak of a near miss. It brought to mind the question, what are you willing to lose to keep what you do not want to give up?

Life is a balancing act in the best of times, and a scrabble for survival in the worst. Many in our society live on the edge of real disaster on a daily basis, and must choose the loss of a tail far more often than those who inhabit my daily life. We are the lucky ones, although we often forget it. And even those of us fortunate enough to live without physical danger or other crushing burdens may have to choose between the job we want to keep and a moral dilemma; the one we want to love and the one who will love us; being lonely or compromising.

So the question is, how long is your tail today?

trouble, trouble, trouble

We invite it into our lives by the choices we make. Even when we know better, the decisions that propel us toward disaster are not well made.

I can't believe that at 51 I still can't figure out the right way to do this. JFC! What exactly are we doing here, and why?

the essence of failure

My friend was ADQ'd (academically disqualified) after our grades came out from the end of the first year. She appealed, and just today found out that her appeal was denied. I am trying to empathize, but I don't know why she lets me. If I were her, I would find it difficult to share my pain with someone who gets to continue in school, while my dream is ended so painfully, so publicly.

Yet she has the ability to share her anguish in such a way that I feel privileged to be included. She has walked a very difficult path this past year, and has paid a high price. But she kept going when most would not have, and I respect that. And I really think that she has the ability to succeed in law school, absent the issues that plagued her this past year. I can only hope that what appears to be a slamming door will instead be a redirection to something very good for her. Right now it only appears to be a dangerous dead end, and I'm worried about her.

they will always be your parents

Wow, it's been a while. Life is coming fast and furious these days, and I don't seem to have time to stop and reconnoiter. Or perhaps it's just that I am afraid of missing something.

We are well into the summer session now, with Moot Court brief deadlines staring me in the face, my parents here visiting, me sneaking away for a little fun and then doing homework while they watch. Ah, yes, how old am I? You'd think I was 21, but that was 30 years ago. And still the parents have the most amazing effect on my sense of freedom. I think that is my problem, not theirs, but it's real.

I did not handle it well this evening, which only adds to my angst. Oh well, I am humbled by my own humanity. Probably good for me in the long run.

on failure and getting up again

Each of us must take the life presented and make of it what we will. Often we get engrossed in our own lives to the exclusion of the lives of others, and we forget that we are admonished to "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." (Plato)

Then once in a while, something happens to make us take note of another's battles. Just such a thing happened to me recently, and I am chastened and humbled to know that I have been given a great gift in the ease with which I can generally navigate life. Were I to have the same demons, the same battles that my friend has faced, I would likely not still be standing. Yet she does. She has been dealt a difficult task of late, on top of other more difficult burdens, and she continues to move through it. As long as she keeps moving, I think she will emerge on the other side. I am learning to know some strong and beautiful people in this law school experience, which seems odd, because many of the things I am learning have nothing to do with the things on the syllabi. Rather, they have to do with community, caring, honesty and integrity. I am grateful.

motion sickness

What a roller coaster ride this past week or so has been. It has been sort of like a high stakes game of chance, but my goal was to play with integrity, so that whatever resulted, I could feel good about my involvement in it. It is not in my nature to stand on the sidelines and so it was not a question of remaining silent or declining to take action. It was more of a question of what actions to take, and there seemed to be at least 3 games going at the same time. Spinning round moment to moment to take up a new challenge or opportunity, I felt at times I was going to lose my footing.

New pleasures and treasures abound today, as does the hangover from the emotional roller coaster ride. I am not sure I knew before that I could be true to myself and also to my friend simultaneously, even if it meant causing pain. I understood the theory but had so far not been brave enough to try. Another life lesson learned, and I am glad.

slippage

Time just takes off running and never seems to take a breath. I know not where it goes, but I know it does not return. And so the intense need to make every thing, every day, count.

Tomorrow I should know my grades for the first year classes. We all should. Drum roll please....I know I should not sweat it, there is nothing to be done. During the past several weeks, I have mostly managed to forget about the results. But now, on the eve of knowing, I am once again in high anxiety mode. I am sure I'm not alone! I want to reach out to my classmates, but I know that statistically, at least some of us are going to get bad news. And I don't know who, or how the unfortunate ones will want to deal with that. I know I would be crushed if I got ADQ'd (academically disqualified).

And still, time just keeps marching. There is much to do for summer classes, and still I want some summer-ha! Why then did I sign up for 3 classes?

Moot court is, as they say, front loaded, and there is a lot I should be doing right now-or maybe not right now, but this week. So tomorrow I shall. For tonight, finish reading for Bankruptcy. Criminal Procedure turns out to be a constitutional law class, which means it is rife with opportunity for discussion. But this is our biggest class yet, in terms of numbers, which is a disappointment. The discussions to be had! Whereas Bankruptcy, interesting but fairly light weight, is only 7, and lots of time for discussion. Life is cruel sometimes.

I'm not supposed to talk about my Moot Court case. And so you shall have to wait. Suffice it to say that I need some legal research skills, which I am sadly lacking. And there goes my summer, into the gray mist, slipping away before it even fully arrives.

cutting on the bias

We talk a lot about biases in general, and about their impact in certain law classes. For instance, in Criminal Procedure, a constitutional law class about the 4th, 5th, 6th and 14th amendments, we discuss things like profiling, and its impact on how suspects are treated.

What is interesting is the general bias against certain classes of people, at least by my fellow classmates. For instance, in Crim Pro, much of the class is anti-police. To some degree, the subject invites that, as the idea behind these constitutional provisions is to protect against excessive use of police powers. However, that does not make all police bad, and all police tactics unconstitutional. In my bankruptcy class, the textbook is very clearly slanted pro-debtor and anti-big bad creditor.

I of course have my own biases, which color what I read and hear as well. Seems like it's pretty difficult to get more than the occasional, rare individual to be willing to listen and take on board new information with an open mind. I do not think I am that person. As a result of our inability, we all wear poorly fitting clothes of righteousness-in some way, they do not fit correctly, because we are all wrong some of the time.

tapestry of colors

My bankruptcy class is going to be interesting, I think.
The professor is a bankruptcy attorney, and normally represents the
debtor. I seem to be coming at the subject from the perspective of
the 'banker', and therefore the creditor. Who knew that bankruptcy
could be a lively topic? While not a life changing area of law, it
does seem to be at least moderately interesting, and small enough to
have some real discussions. There were 5 of us tonight, not counting
the professor.

By contrast our Crim Pro class, which is made up of absolutely
fascinating material, has about 40 students, which will limit our
participation. I had an interesting conversation with my father this
week. He is a former police officer, but is now in his 80's, dealing
with significant health problems, and as tends to happen in our
society, is somewhat redundant and invisible. I was telling him a bit
about my new classes and when I mentioned Crim Pro, he asked if we had
talked about the Terry case at all. Of course, we had. He said that
ruling was made when he was on the force in Anchorage, and talked
about how much it helped make it possible to do good police work and
still protect oneself, while staying within the constitutional
boundaries. Fascinating view back into a time when all that mattered
to me was what boy I liked and had no interest in what my father did
to make a living, or the ethical and practical choices he made on a
daily basis.


If one could see all the layers of connectedness, what a riotous web
of color it would be. I wish there was a way to really look at the various points of connection, and have some genuine, unfiltered discussion with some others. The realities of everyday life seem to preclude such risk taking, for me as well as others. It's only when some life event forces one to step outside oneself that we seem able to take such chances, and then sometimes it is with complete strangers rather than those who love us. Which takes me to what love means, and how often it is a form of control...and there we go again.

diagnosis

I've been trying to figure out what's wrong. Sad, mad and overwhelmed this week. Not the best cocktail. Looking forward to a sea change.

Meanwhile, studying, doing what I should. One foot in front of the other, and it will come out right. The value of middle aged perspective

violins for me

Back in school...all summer long, with only a week break in August before the fall semester starts. Do I sound like I'm whining? I guess I am, a bit. But I'm choosing this, so who else is there to blame?

My dear friend left town this week, and I miss him. Gone for the summer, and back in the fall, or so we hope. So I hope. Life goes on, and we wonder why we do what we do. The choices I have made, and continue to make, are based on incomplete information and short-sighted views of life. And then I wonder at the results.

this world built with my hands

I went to the Holocaust Museum while in DC this week, in part to bear witness, because I think we fortunate ones owe that to those who have been dealt a different path in life.

I knew it would be wrenching, and I was mentally prepared for that. But oh, the evilness that humans are capable of. Let anyone open the door a crack, and we seem to have a limitless capacity for greed, cruelty and debasement of our fellow humans. And just looking at the world we live in today, there are unending examples of this being repeated on a smaller scale, in just about all parts of the world. I just finished reading a book about the early 1900's in Mongolia/China/Russia, wherein humankind did not hesitate to wage war, to enslave and plunder, to kill and take that which belonged to their neighbors, just because they could, and wanted to. It's not that simple, of course, and yet it is. All too simple, the dark side of humanity.

Occasionally there is a bright beacon, a kindness, a dignity bestowed where it was not required, just as there were those who risked their lives to help the victims of the Holocaust. But that list is so much shorter than those who acquiesced. And I can't help but wonder which list I would be on in the event of such pressure, such risk. We all hope and believe we would stand up, would make a difference. But how many of us do that now, in everyday life? If not now, when will we?

There are worse things than dying, and living a lie, a stolen life may be one of them. It is easy to heap shame and blame on the Germans of the Nazi era. But who among us has clean hands? Who defends the person looked down upon by our peers? Who is patient with the hopelessly broken? Who gives when there is no one to see?

breaks are brief and semesters are long

So quickly time away flies! Already headed home from my brief vacation, and back to the books, because the summer term starts next week. Bankruptcy, Moot Court and Criminal Procedures...did I bite off too much for a summer term? All of this is in the hope that I can arrange to take next summer off or with only 1 class so that I can get away on a fantastic trip to central Asia. I miss my adventures on another continent and I don't want to wait for 4 years to go by for the next one. We only have today, and that is very much more clear to me now than it was in my 20's, when life stretched out before me, long and limitless.

I went to Washington this week, and got a very brief glimpse of the Supreme Court in session, which only made me want for more. The whole trip made me realize anew that I need 9 lives to do all the things, and be all the people I want to be. Such a lust for life, but not enough time to live it all. It's tempting to run away, but what I want includes what I have right now, strangely enough. I like the life I have, I just want more-more of it and more of others. This trip turned out to be as introspective as they all are, and that is useful in many ways.

I got a library card for the Library of Congress while in DC, and went in the Law Reading Room. What an awesome breadth of possibilities that pointed out to me. So many kinds of law, so many interesting fields. It's not that I was unaware of them, but it was an in-your-face reminder. And again, a painful reminder that I have only so many years to do whatever I'm going to do, so I can't afford to get it wrong. No wandering allowed in this respect, unlike the wandering I did on the streets of DC.

clothes or books?

I read someplace that the pleasure found in traveling is directly inverse to the amount of baggage one has. I have taken that to heart and generally travel lightly.

I've been reading law only for a while and I am hungering for some other reading. If you had 5 days on your own, what would you leave behind?

The Desert Road to Turkestan
Tone Deaf in Bangkok (and other places)
Silk Roads
Washington DC travel guide
Breakfast with Socrates
Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar...
Bonhoeffer, Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy
It's Not About the Coffee

beds of nails and roses

It turns out that the first year of law school is so very hard because they make it so. Presumably because the goal is to try the Il's by fire. The whole final exam experience is absurdly stressful. I like taking tests, I like writing, I know the law. And yet I still fell apart in my Contracts exam, the subject I love. Why? Because I cared too much?

The entire year built to a crescendo, and this past week was the culmination in a deafening roar. I think I survived, but not without cost to my confidence and definitely not without damage to my GPA. What a fucking ride. Exhilarating and yet punishing.

I'm proud to have finished this year and humbled that it was so challenging. There will no doubt be new and different challenges in the 3 years to come, but none will be quite like this immersion in another world. Gradually, as the year went on, I found I had let go of time with others to the extent that weeks would go by and I would suddenly realize I had not talked to my brother, or done anything with anyone that did not involve studying.

Nice to have a break, and I am counting on the summer classes being a little bit less intense. We shall see. I may have made a mistake taking 3 classes, but they are all 2 hour classes, and with 2 on the same night, I have more evenings free. That may be good and it may be bad. I dare to hope it is slightly less painful than this exam cycle.

Lack of discipline will get you nowhere

If only I had learned how to study in high school. I managed without it in undergrad but in law school the skill would come in very handy.

I managed to study enough for my crim law final, just finished it a short while ago. Came home and pulled the books and notes for Contracts, which is Monday. No rest for the wicked, or weary or is it the undisciplined?

the last class

Tonight we had the final class session for our 1L year. Tuesday was our last Crim Law, Wednesday our Contracts and tonight our Torts. No one seemed to want to leave after class was done, hanging around talking and knowing that this group would not be reassembled again. Some will leave, some will stay, but others will join us. And during the summer we are taking different classes. I sound ridiculously sentimental, but I have enough life experience to know that this group is a special one. We melded and coalesced in a way not expected at the outset. I know that coalescence has been a recurring theme of this blog, but it is remarkable, and I treasure it. Therefore I mourn the ending of our first year. A year of naivete and 'uncarved block' ness, as Pooh would say.

And now we are in the home stretch for exams. The first one is Criminal Law, on Tuesday. Just 5 days, and a lot of review to be done. Yet I am going to work tomorrow, to the hardware store after work, and because I'm getting 8 yards of dirt delivered on Friday, I shall be wheelbarrowing dirt on Saturday morning. Saturday evening my family is coming over for a birthday dinner and Sunday morning we are having birthday breakfast for one of our classmates. Yes, I am crazy. But I think it will all work out. I need dirt in my life too, although perhaps not at exam time.

why follow the yellow brick road?

The stated purpose of this blog is to chronicle life as a law student in middle age. The thing is that so many other things combine to make up life, and I find it difficult to limit my comments to law related topics alone. Everything informs the next thing. When you make something, you make something else. Cause and effect, a stone thrown into the water creates ripples long after it is gone from sight. And so it is with my life. While law school is engaging and demanding, I still have a more than full time job that also demands much of me. And I have two grown children, a grandchild, brothers, sister, elderly parents. My yard still needs mowed and my clothes need laundered. I have to make decisions about how I will eat, how I will live as a citizen of the world. And unlike when I was 20 and an undergrad, those decisions can't wait, and are not just discussions of what I am going to do. They are the here and now, I've lived more life than I have still left to live, and time's awasting. I must not put off important things until after law school. I must choose priorities and find ways to fit in what matters. And of course, I still need to pass my exams, and I want to excel at them.

You ask why I have chosen this monumental undertaking at this point in my life? It was time. It was time to start down the path that will finish out my working days (I hope). More than that, it was time to learn again, to challenge myself, to prevent myself from becoming complacent and stuck. Since we apparently only get one run at this thing we call life, and since I feel the loss of time, I had to figure out how best to fully inhabit my days. Not being independently wealthy, I am going to spend more of my waking hours at work than anyplace else for at least the next 20 years. And that means that what I do for work, how I spend those hours, really matters. I know that how I treat my fellow human beings, my earth, my soul, my body, all these matter. But if that same sense of values is not in some way integrated into how I earn a paycheck, I am missing the greatest opportunity to fully inhabit my days that I have.

I don't know where this will take me, but I feel serene in the belief that this is where I should be right now. And that is enough for the moment. All the rest of life is swirling around, and I am not certain of the wisdom of so many other choices, but this one thing I know. I belong in law school today.

selection by how time is spent

I knew that it would have an effect to spend so much concentrated time with the same group of people. Gradually I have narrowed my focus even though I tried not to, eliminating time with those outside the circle of law due to pressure to study, but also because it's what I'm excited about these days.

It's hard to find time for everything and so I've dropped almost everything and everyone beyond law except family. And I'm not keeping up enough with my family either. In 3 more years, what will be left? I worry about that a little.

The aftermath

We had an extra class last night, and since it was a Friday, we carried it on to the bar. What a group we have become! I know enough to know that this is unique and special, and to appreciate it. It will change, of course, with the ending of the semester. We'll see each other again but it will be in a different mix.

The drinks were flowing, and the things that were said! Wonderful laughter and shared memories. And now today it's time to buckle down quite seriously, because exams are 3 weeks away. Makes me anxious and yet it's 5 pm and no studying done yet.

pity and hot tea

Today is pity party day at my house. I'm a little under the weather, a cold of sorts, and feeling just a bit left out. I had a hair appointment this morning, and I slept during much of it! Now I'm studying and drinking hot tea, and no doubt my mental outlook will be much improved tomorrow. Meanwhile, at least by now I know that feeling sorry for myself is pure self indulgence, and if I choose to partake anyway, then I do so at my own detriment. Regardless, I think a short period of self pity will not do a great deal of harm if I'm careful not to share it with others.

life after exams

So I have finally decided, and bought my tickets. I’m off to DC after exams, and I plan to sit in on a Supreme Court session. How cool is that!? I think SCOTUS is awe-inspiring and just to sit in the same room with them will be breathtaking.

Hard to lose what we've had this year. I know I'll be right back at it in just a week or so after the last exam. But it will no longer be the same mix of students, the same professors and the same familiar subjects. Yet another transition to be made.

quirks and conviviality

I have hesitated to write about any particular personalities in our class, in the interest of respecting peoples’ privacy.

Suffice it to say we have an eclectic mix. One I have mentioned previously. She is a lovely (beautiful inside and out) young woman who emigrated here from Uganda with her American husband, who is 20 years older than she is. She has a delightful laugh, incredible bones and when called upon in class, she takes her time, as would a gracious lady, composing her thoughts and then bringing out something that is cogent, with a nice melody and accent in her voice. She is beautiful to listen to. She is my row mate-we have sat with one seat between us since the very first night of class.

We have someone who keeps his thoughts pretty close to the vest, but at times both his humor and his story leak out in a delightful display of humanity. He is, I think, the lynch pin in our unspoken tolerance rule. He treats each person with respect and courtesy, regardless of the behavior of the other or their position in the pecking order. It is clear that he engenders trust, as he has befriended a man with many scars, who has an incredible personal story, and has apparently earned his trust.

We have a young lady who is raising her own young daughter and 3 siblings, all while working part time and going to school. She frequently appears stretched and pulled but still put together. She is good friends with another classmate and appears to have become good friends with another younger student. In fact, socially we seem to divide based mostly on age, with the exception of those in the middle. They may go either way. And Abigail. She seems to be older than she is, because she has such poise.

We have a union activist, a law enforcement officer, a flooring salesman, a retired Marine and several other kinds of people. We have more women than men, although that will change in the fall, as the class that will join us is predominantly men. There are more middle aged students than post-college age, and perhaps that has colored our experience in class more than I realized. We know who we are, we know why we are there and we also know that there is more to life than law. I like that part of being middle aged, just not the ‘aged’ part.

study group II

Study group on Monday is a loose thing, but lately we’ve been focusing on one particular issue, and stopping at 2 hours. Now that we are far enough into the subject, that seems to be working. This week it’s third party beneficiaries, assignment and delegation. And then I think on Wednesday a small group of us will meet to study that again, because our regular Contracts class is cancelled next week. So hopefully I’ll have it down by the end of those 2 sessions.

I am not sure what I want to do about study group from here on out. I believe we’ll lose Abigail anyway, as she is only taking enough classes to get to sit for the bar, having already passed the bar in Uganda. And Peter and Andrew have each had one foot out the door all along. I don’t want to do just a 2 person study group, so that would mean reorganization. Or should I not bother? I do get something out of them, in spite of what Dave said. We are pretty disciplined about getting down to business. And I have a feeling it contributes to my sense of community, and also helps keep me disciplined about getting my reading done by end of day Sunday.

Is it wrong to be selective about who I study with? Seems like it either needs to be a select group, or a larger walk-in kind of structure, where whoever shows up discusses whatever subject they want to with anyone else who also wants to work on that topic. But that could end up being social hour.

dilution of community

Interesting to observe the interaction between classmates. By all accounts, our class is more social and more connected than the average class at our law school. I’m not sure why that is, perhaps it is due to the mix of personalities. For whatever reason, there is an expectation and attitude of tolerance and acceptance.

I’m told that in the next year, most classes end up being more contentious. The students with the lowest grades are looked down on and the students with the highest are perhaps admired but also resented. Hmmm….I think perhaps the addition of the January starts to our fall semester will result in a dilution of our tolerance and group identity. I hope not though, and I am looking for ways to mitigate that risk. Some sort of party? Some venue for interaction wherein we assert influence on their approach, rather than vice versa. Is that social engineering?

I enjoy the sense of community we have, and I’d like to see it perpetuated. I know we can have little groups, but I would like to see some larger joinder as well.

one shovel at a time

The time changed today, springing forward. It's a gloomy Sunday morning, and I have studying to do. I also just remembered that I have to do my taxes, and the deadline for taxes is smack dab in the middle of final exams. I think I had better reevaluate how I spend whatever free time I have in the next month. If you like to garden, as I do, then this time of year brings many activities, all fun. But I think I had better consider my priorities before I commit to something I can't do. I can already feel myself starting to hyperventilate as I look at the next month. If I only wanted to pass, it would be less stressful, but of course, overachiever that I am, I want more than that. We do tend to dig our own graves, don't we.

the overflowing cup of life

Page 1000 in Torts, and still going. Not strong, but going. 200 more to go. But who's counting? It's Friday night, the end of a very long week at work. Classes are really good, love it. I would immerse myself in it if I could. But real life keeps poking its head up and reminding me I need to get the mail, go to the bank, get groceries and do the laundry.

I have seedlings under lights in the garage for the garden, excited about my back yard. And I'm getting a chicken coop tomorrow and having brunch with a friend. And 200 pages of Torts.

I'm weary and yet full of excitement, so that it's hard to turn it off and go to sleep at night. Consequently, I end up sleep deprived by the end of the week, because when the alarm goes off, work calls, regardless of how exciting the study of law is.

use of force

Are you a Bernie fan? Our class seems to be pretty divided in this case. One person was living in New York at the time of the Goetz shooting. Most felt that his pulling the gun and maybe even shooting the first two who were very close to him may have been justified. Almost universally the opinion was that the third young man's shooting was unjustified, because he was retreating, and the fourth, the one Goetz went back to shoot after surveying the scene, was not justified in anyone's mind. The fourth young man had clearly withdrawn, yet Goetz shot him anyway.

-Reasonable force is allowed when necessary to prevent the harm threatened.

-A reasonable person in the same circumstances would have believed themselves to be in imminent harm

The questions are:

whether to own a gun?

How bad does it have to get before I will be justified in defending myself with deadly force, and not be sending myself to prison? It seems it depends on what jurisdiction you live in.

Can I use force to defend myself against the snails who attack my garden? I hope so, because I squashed 5 of them on Sunday.

the path taken

Nearly the end of the first year. On to 2L status, or so I hope! The exams are yet to come, and so I must wait to be sure of my status. But I can dare to hope, based on my midterm grades.

Still trying to decide how to spend my break between the spring and summer terms. Travel? or get things done in preparation for the summer term? I feel myself being pulled inexorably toward travel, like a car sliding slowly into the ditch on a snowy, icy road. Alas, I fear I cannot resist.

Oddly, a touch of sadness at the ending of this term as well. We 20 became we 15 or so along the way, but we also developed a real sense of camaraderie, I would suppose in part as a result of the intensity of the experience, the amount of time we spend together each week and the particular makeup of our class/group. I know this summer that will be partially diluted, as we move into other classes and other configurations. We will reconvene in the fall, whoever has not left, and then will need to assimilate the other 2L's from this spring/summer sessions. While no doubt that will bear its own lovely fruit, I will be sad to see this freshman year end. Our relative naivete and belief in the power of law to do justice, our excitement at the study of it, all of this will never be quite what it was this year. I have made some friends that I expect will carry on for years-something that is not easily done in midlife. I treasure this gift, and I am able to recognize at this point in my life just how valuable that is.

I also can now see other benefits of embarking on a challenging path at this point in life. While it seems a bit crazy to decide to spend 4 years in law school in my early 50's rather than enjoying my nights and weekends doing things I like to do, I can already see tremendous benefit on a personal level that I still find hard to put to words.

I am energized by this study of law, I look forward to classes, I enjoy the online Symposium discussions, the pre and post class questions and answers we give each other, the history and dignity of what the law can be (yes, I recognize there is an uglier side as well, but that comes with all things human).

I thought that it would be tough to get my brain working the way it would need to for school, but it apparently had not really atrophied, it was just out of shape. And the sense of community that our class has feeds me on an almost spiritual level-I like to feel a part of a community, and I often struggle with that due to my independence and visceral objection to being status quo. My classmates seem to accept each other as we are, and that is heartwarming to say the least. Human nature being what it is, I know there is more going on underneath, but I don't have a problem with that-it's going on inside all of us.

Every time I think my life is in a rut, with options diminishing, some new door opens. It almost always comes with some sort of pain or loss, but the gain on the other side has nearly always been worth it. This new path is far well worth it. I'll check back with you in 3 years and again in 10 so we can see what the perspective of time will give!

wrapping up the reading

I have finished the case book reading for both Criminal Law and Contracts. Still a lot of pages left in Torts-to no one's surprise! I am so relieved to be done with the other reading but that is really false comfort. Now the really hard part begins. I have to take all the notes, outlines and other information and come up with a reasonable representation of the law that I need to know for each subject. I need to take a lot of practice exams as well, and find a way to get better at MBE's.

And then there is the garden, seeds to start, grass to mow, groceries to buy, clothes to launder. And work...

Still, I feel that I have accomplished something hard today. Tomorrow...torts.

pain and gain

In R. v Brown, House of Lords, 1993, the court found that one cannot consent to violence against their person. Why then do we allow boxing or football? Why is consensual sado-masochism between consenting adults, wherein safety measures were taken, so different?

So many situations seem to proffer a hard line rule, but when one looks at all the ways the rule could be used, it becomes clear that it is really quite murky after all. As the professor said tonight, we ask the criminal law to do more than what it is really capable of doing well. Humans find such creative ways to harm each other and there are only so many ways the law can address that. Still I can think of ways I'd like to see it do a better job.

Coming from the viewpoint of a middle-aged law student, I see the law in a different light than I would have had I gone to law school fresh out of college. And I see its imperfections in a different light as well. From a theoretical perspective, it all works out in the long run but on a case by case basis there is so much injustice done in the name of the law. Sometimes one gets as much justice as one can afford, which negatively impacts the ones who have the least opportunity to control their own destinies.

I regret the lost time but I am glad for the perspective I have now.

If the shoe fits...

It is clear to me that there are certain areas of law that are of great appeal to me, while others have little or none. Criminal law breaks my heart, and I do not think I can be part of a system of sending non-violent offenders to prison, or see lives ruined just to satisfy some need for retribution alone. Personal injury law is rife with temptation to act in greed and it makes me a bit nauseous.

However, for some reason, contract law, real property law, these I find exhilarating. I think I will also find constitutional law, immigration law and civil rights stirring, but I do not know enough yet to say for sure.

Makes me wonder what makes one area of law of interest to one and another to someone else. For instance, Abigail is interested in personal injury law, Chris in family law and Peter is interested in lobbying. All of them are motivated for and by reasons I cannot fully understand, but I recognize that their choices fit for them.

Then I look at those who are part of the legal community already. Some of them clearly like what they do and others are disillusioned and mismatched to their source of livelihood. I wonder how we will look in 15 years.

Hopefully those of us who came to the law in midlife will have chosen more wisely and will find the shoes we wear do not cause pain or discomfort, nor cost us our souls.

time seems to be a frequent topic here

I am staring at the rest of the semester and starting to freak out at what I still need to learn, study, practice and absorb in a little over a month. Life keeps getting in the way, in very good ways, but still...

After this weekend, I must check out of life for a time, get things under control. I think it may have been about this time last semester when I thought there was no way I could possibly survive law school. Perhaps this will be a recurring event each semester. I think we need a name for it. The Urban Dictionary defines freaking out as "to panic, to lose control" or a "manic, crazed feeling". How about Midway Madness, or Jurisprudence Jeopardy or...I'll take suggestions.

arguments and discussions

I have been distracted by our symposium discussions, sometimes about jurisprudence and sometimes just banter. I am finding that Peter stands out in his unique stance on most things, and we have argued extensively on some matters. Mostly I withdraw from the field of battle-not worth fighting over, and I feel so strongly opposed to much of what he espouses. But as Ray and I were talking about tonight, the benefit to all of us is exposure to different points of view. I would like very much to hear more from others as it would balance the comments and dilute the effect of any one position. I enjoy reading others' comments and find I learn something nearly every time. No matter what, I am getting to know my classmates better, and enjoying that most of all.

I wonder why I want to be an attorney if I back away from aggressive arguments. I know I am weary of arguing with someone who so firmly believes things that I find abhorent.

battles and wars

Tonight's Contracts class was a battle of sorts. Our Contracts professor, while appearing to enjoy the law, very rarely seems to enjoy his students. He was in quite a mood last week, and this week was not much better. I should give him the benefit of the doubt-he may have problems in other areas of his life-but I think perhaps this is really how he feels about our imposition in his life.

He was NOT happy about being asked to answer our questions about a practice exam question from our Law Study & Exams class. I had emailed him last evening to ask if he could spare us some time, as I figured he would not be happy about it being sprung on him. He started by saying he was refusing to read the question and would not tell us how to answer it. He then said if we had specific questions, he would help us. So we went around and around and finally we got some help from him, albeit very grudgingly.

I guess we must expect this in law school to some degree-I certainly don't expect to be spoon fed anything. But some level of courtesy and interest in the subject seems appropriate. Whatever he is getting paid, he is getting enough to answer our questions generally.

But of course, I can't really effect any change in his approach or demeanor, nor am I going to try. I'll wring every bit of knowledge out of him that I can, and then use alternate sources for the rest. And then I'll win the war by excelling on the exam, or so I hope!

weekend fun

We are almost half way through the second semester of Contracts, Torts and Criminal Law. The second semester has been more detail and less big picture-almost as if we had built the framework during the first semester and this semester we are adding flesh and muscle. In some ways that is confusing as we are circling back. In Contracts in particular, the level of detail and not knowing how to organize the additional information is challenging me. Hence, this weekend has been declared "Contracts Weekend" for me. Going to get out a big piece of paper and create my own road map. Fun for no one but a crazy law school student.

the glacial pace of justice

When I dabble in the theory of law, it deepens and enriches my study of the black letter law. For instance, it helps to see that one decision is simply a part of a pattern, a tapestry of living law. So when I read about a decision that makes me writhe with frustration and anger at the damage the law is doing, I remember that on a larger scale, justice does come, it just comes very slowly.

However, this does not guarantee individual justice, but rather a more collective, long term justice. Because the law is devised and administered by humans, and each of us as humans falls short of the ideal, so does the law fall short of justice in many particular instances. It only works as well as the messy people who apply it.

This is grievous to the one who seeks justice and is denied, especially in a criminal case where an innocent party is found guilty-it is heartbreaking. It is the end of the world. This brings my study of the theory of law back full circle and I long for a way to make it all function as it should. However, there is some value in the slow, arduous process and perhaps even some beauty. And I would not trade this messy system for one that is certain but rigid and unresponsive to forces of change.

little forks and big forks

So much of life is determined by very small, seemingly insignificant choices. And yet, when I look behind those choices, I find a pattern emerging. Then every once in a while, I am cognizant that a decision I am making will have far reaching impact in my life, and perhaps the lives of others. When you make something, you make something else, whether or not you intend or desire it. How then to choose well?

I found myself face to face with just such a choice recently. This one at least had the courage to appear as more than just one of those insignificant incremental choices; it stood out as a seminal fork in the road. I dithered for days, thought I'd decided and then changed my mind. In the end, I found that I can only be me, and no one else, regardless of what others might counsel, or themselves choose. I do not mean to imply that this would give me license-in fact it does just the opposite. I may only choose that which provides for both self-respect and respect for others in the world around me. If I desire to live well, I am bound by this dictate.

Dworkin says that there are two fundamental requirements for living well. Self-respect and authenticity; treating our own lives as having the importance to be lived well and having a personal sense of character and commitment to standards and ideals out of which one acts. Choices made poorly are therefore an act of self-betrayal.

Connected to the need for living well is a concept I was discussing with Jean today-integration. I need my life to be as integrated as fully as I can achieve in balance with authenticity. And because I am wired this way, I am making a lonely choice. "You must judge the right way to live for yourself and resist any coercion designed to usurp that authority" (page 212, Justice for Hedgehogs). If you have been reading this blog for a bit, you will recall that I chose a focus for this year of balance and gratitude. Balance requires a look at both what I would choose for my own life, and its impact on others. Because I desire to live as part of a community of persons who know me, and who I know, I cannot just ignore the integration component of the equation. Yet neither can I find a way to be dishonest about who I am, and what living well means for me.

I find integration and authenticity at war within me often, and yet in the end, the advice of Polonius is still valid "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." (William Shakespeare) Note that he says nothing here about the ramifications and misunderstandings that result from being true to oneself.

symposium or soliloquy

I've wanted from the start to have heady discussions of the concept of justice, and the philosophies in law, and different theories of jurisprudence. We have formed a group, which mostly will discuss things online, but is meeting on Friday for the first official in-person meeting. We're calling it a symposium, and if it follows the pattern laid down by the Greeks, it may involve some libations. Or not for some, but either way is fine.

The group is made up of members of our class who expressed an interest, and one of our professors. Who knows what may come of it? I'm just excited to talk about why and not just what, to discuss how the law evolves, and of course, solve all the problems of our awkward, often faulty system of justice. We have an eclectic mix of points of view, and some strong personalities.

It would seem that there is not time for such endeavors, but I say, there is no choice. These questions must be asked, and that is more important than any answers anyone may give. I hope that I will never forget the lesson learned in starting law school at 50-that the gift of learning is the goal, not graduation, or even passing the bar (although I very much want to do that too!)

more from Cardozo

quoting Lincoln, "he who would be no slave must consent to have no slave." Continuing in his discussion of opposing concepts, Cardozo discusses liberty and government juxtaposed, describing law as restraint of liberty, yet in the absence of law, liberty would belong only to the strong or unscrupulous. And so we require social restraint in order to have liberty. Put another way, stealing another child's lunch money must be proscribed so that we can be free to live without constant fear of the bully.

punishment as I see it

For what reason do we punish criminal activity? Do we want to punish the wrong doer? Deter others from following in their path? Reform their antisocial tendencies?

According to what I have learned to date, the various goals/aims of punishment are:

retribution
deterrence specific to the individual who is being punished
general deterrence of others
rehabilitation
restraint

It is important to keep in mind that I am a first year law student and I have much to learn. Added to this is the fact that the law school I attend focuses on substantive law and its practical application, to the detriment of discussion of legal theory and the like. So I have not had a great deal of time to research this independently.

It seems as though taking the purposes of punishment in order from the most optimistic to the least, the first would be rehabilitation. In this instance, we hope to retrain or redirect the individual to a productive and socially acceptable behavior. This is a commonly stated goal when dealing with juveniles.

The next may be specific deterrence; likened to that of the puppy and the spray bottle of water which teaches him that it is not acceptable to chew on the table leg. Once I have been punished for stealing from my neighbor, the idea is that I may subsequently refrain from such undesirable behavior.

General deterrence is implied in almost any case where punishment is meted out and in particular is used when courts decide to 'make an example' of someone. The greater good of sending a message to the rest of the community is deemed worth giving the particular actor a heavier sentence than would otherwise be imposed.

Retribution is meant to make one pay for their wrongdoing, based originally in the concept of an eye for an eye.

Lastly, restraint is required for those deemed too evil or dangerous to be allowed freedom. They are considered unsalvageable in the main and for this group of people, the solution is removal from society to a place where their ability to inflict harm is at least lessened. My focus is not on this group of criminals, as I think there needs to be a place for sociopaths and the like, and I see no better solution, except perhaps Abigail's solution-shoot them. I'm not sure that is a bad idea, but first I'd like to know that there is no possibility of error, and secondly, I'd like to know how we keep from debasing ourselves in the process. On this matter, Peter has reminded me of what Bardolph said to King Henry the 5th before he became king-"Do not, when you are king, hang a thief." And Henry, in his response, told Bardolph that he the King would not do it, the thief would. The inference is that the sovereign, or in our case, the State, does not kill anybody, they kill themselves-they knew the rules and acted in spite of them. But let's save that for another time.

Also leaving aside for the time the group of individuals convicted of violent crimes, let's move to the rest of the criminals. While I do not want to just dismiss all of the former population, I would like to pick that thread up at a different time.

We as a society have a great and urgent need for reformation of the use of punishment with those who are convicted of crimes in general, and non-violent ones in particular. I mean in particular to criticize our overuse of prison/jail as a means of punishment (or should I say administrative processing?) What good does it do to lock up large populations of our society and treat them without respect, teach them how to survive by joining a gang and demonstrate our disdain for them? They learn that polite society has no use for them, that the only place they belong is with other criminals, and they learn the skills necessary for success in that world.

I don't pretend to know all there is to know about our prisons, and I have been fortunate in not being a victim of a crime more egregious than burglary. However, I do not think one is required to be a victim of murder to understand the harm that can come of it.

I do not mean to understate the deleterious effect of property and white collar crime. It can have devastating effect on the lives of its victims. However, once we get past our individual righteous indignation and look at the higher good for society as a whole, and to some degree, the greater benefit in improving the odds for at-risk sectors of the population, I think there is a clear problem with our current approach. This is most clearly highlighted in our handling of juveniles, and this is also the area where the most benefit can be gained from small changes.

While we do have restorative justice programs and a stated intent not to punish juveniles, I think we are kidding ourselves to say it is otherwise for most youthful offenders. You may know the phrase "there but for the grace of God go I", and whether you believe in God or not is not really of any import here-we all need grace and mercy, especially during our adolescent years. Volumes could be, and have been, written about the effect of poor or absent parenting, abuse, lack of structure and a myriad of other things that adversely affect developing minds and behaviors. However, we do not seem to find ways to use this knowledge for our own good. In the end, we all pay for our inertia. Society is poorer for not providing its youth with clear and positive direction, good role models, opportunities to find the thing that fires their imagination and reasons to do the right thing.

Beyond reaching majority, many of us still have much to learn. Some of us learn it the hard way. I remember visiting my family member in the state prison every Sunday for years, and while from one visit to the next, I saw no change, in the end, he came out of that experience a different person.I do not credit the prison system. I think a big part of the positive change was a result of his parents' unwillingness to let him go. They loved him and treated him as a person for whom better things were to come, he would learn and change from this experience, and it became a self fulfilling prophecy. My point is that it can be done. But I think it will be difficult to do a lot of reformation within a prison environment.

It is intrinsic in human nature that the prison-keeper has too much opportunity for abuse of power without consequence, and the prisoner little self respect or dignity. Both of these mean that a correct balance of power is nearly impossible to maintain when one is the keeper and one is the kept. In my opinion, learning to respect others' rights begins with respecting one's own. And that is a lesson rarely learned in prison. One only needs to look at the rate of recidivism to know that what we are doing now is not working. How long can we continue on this path? We imprison ourselves at a higher rate than any other country in the world. Surely there are other ways.

The club of crazies

Its like we are part of a club-some might say a club of crazies, attempting law school, which is structured illogically, and exams, which may be more of a test of your test taking skills than your knowledge of the law.

As Llewellyn said in The Bramblebush, the law professors do not teach, we students learn. What happens in class is such a small part of our legal education, albeit an important one.

There are some things I need to try to do to make this easier.
-find a way to stock good food, ready made or microwaveable each week so I don't eat my dinner out of the vending machine at school.
-work needs to stay at work, and be limited to 9 hours/day maximum.
-take a walk every few hours when I'm studying to clear out the cobwebs.
-continue to work on structure and organization in my outlines and checklists, because I remember things a lot better that way.
-follow the rabbit trail, because I belong to the club of crazies and I love it!

my rules continued

#4. When you make something, you make something else.

Not sure where I first heard this, so I can't attribute it to a source. Scientifically this would be the law of cause and effect-nothing happens in a vacuum. You may think that what you do, or don't do, today will not matter but it will have some sort of ripple effect. The intangible matter you displace will be replaced by other matter, intangible or otherwise.

#5. What others think of me is none of my business.

This may seem to be in conflict with the ideas espoused by Dworkin in his book, Justice for Hedgehogs, but I aspire to this rule, used in moderation and under a strict requirement of good faith. This means I can't invoke this rule because I want to do something to piss you off. I have to have a clear conscience as to my motivation to act.

a life well lived

I'm reading a book by Ronald Dworkin called Justice for the Hedgehogs. I confess that some of the theory and topics of discussion are beyond my current academic training, but I find it fascinating anyway. For instance, he asks the question, What is the character of a life well lived? Dworkin says that ethics is the study of how to live well, and morality is the study of how we must treat other people. According to his view, we each have a sovereign ethical responsibility to make something of value of our own lives, and that we must treat this as a challenge; that it is objectively important how we live. So what do I need to do to make something of my own life? And what do I want to make of it? Questions that deserve some thought.

This is a tall order, but for some reason it resonates with me. He says that we must find the value of living in living well, just as we find value in loving or painting or singing, etc. Dignity and self-respect are essential to living well, and he refers to Kant's thesis that we cannot adequately respect our own humanity unless we respect humanity in others.

I have some ideas about what this means, but I think I'll hold my thoughts until I've read past the introduction. I expect to glean only about 10% of what this book offers, but that will be riches to me. Meanwhile Cardozo awaits my return.

on measuring success and knowledge

I admit that grades are an extremely limited measure of how well I know the law, and an even worse predicter of the likelihood of me succeeding as an attorney. Still, no matter how much I told myself to expect at best mediocre grades on my first semester exams, I was pretty frantic by the time I actually got the envelope in my hands.

We took the exams in mid December, and the grades were mailed out yesterday. That is about 6 weeks, and a long time to wait for midterms. I purposely waited until after class tonight to pick them up, and then I was so nervous I knew I was giving it too much weight but still I stopped on the way home and tore the envelope open! I would probably have looked while standing in the post office but I found a homeless man sleeping under the table when I walked in. Since it was 9:15 at night and there was no one else around, I decided to read the news in the car. I think probably I startled him more than he startled me though.

I am relieved, excited and definitely feeling more confident now. I think I explained before that the exams in law school seem to be more about how well you can write and how fast you can type as much as how well you know the law, and so I was not sure whether I had managed to write anything intelligible or not. Apparently it was enough.

And so for the moment, I feel successful and more prepared to face the coming semesters. No doubt I'll be humbled shortly, and that's as it should be. I know only that I know so very little, and yet this I know for sure. I feel more alive and energized than I have in a long time. Law school has reawakened a hunger for knowledge and truth that has been at least somewhat dormant for a while. That is success in my eyes.

absurdity

Our inclination toward litigation as the first and primary solution is repulsive and greedy to me. Absurdity is likely to follow.

insurance, or why I take care to step over the cracks

Why does the existence or availability of liability insurance justify abolishing parent-child immunity? Why does insurance factor in at all? Either one is responsible or one is not. Either one is immune from liability or one is not. Yet courts use this benchmark in determining liability and even duty of care routinely.

"Immunity fosters neglect and irresponsibility. Liability promotes care and caution." (Abernathy v Sisters of St Mary's, 446 S.W.2d 599) This Missouri court went on to say that the existence of liability insurance does not create liability where none exists. But it would seem that in today's world, it does.

Strangely, with the tendency to consider the availability of insurance in determining liability or scope of it, the courts have given increased power to insurance companies, and their lobbies. If one has so much to lose, then they will either become a force in the field of play or they will die a quiet death. The insurance industry has the funds to establish and maintain strong lobbying efforts. Additionally, if there is insurance available and one does not avail oneself of the use of it, then there is no quarter given at bar. But which begat which? Was there liability and therefore insurance? Or insurance, and therefore liability?

Perhaps there is a better way to manage the harm that results from our human condition. Meanwhile, I drive more cautiously than I used to, and I step over the cracks in the sidewalk. I invite you to do the same, especially when you are on my property.

the slow dance

I’m reading Cardozo’s ‘The Paradoxes of Legal Science’ and find some thoughts that I think are relevant to my classmate Peter’s qualms with law. I’ve argued my stance with him, but of course I’m another lowly law student and have no academic credibility.

Per saltum-our movements through life and in life. I like the picture this paints for me. We have all watched our child as they learn new skills. Things impossible for months and years, one day are possible. Of course, the change was occurring gradually over time, but one can’t generally see that creeping change. And so it is with the movement of law and justice as enacted by humans.

Cardozo talks about how we think we wrestle with new problems, brought on by the age in which we live, but says at its core are all the ancient mysteries, still not understood. He juxtaposes rest and motion, the one and the many, liberty and equality, property rights of the individual and the welfare of the many, justice in its universal quality and yet capacity for justice for the individual.

I quote “Society is inconstant. So long as it is inconstant, and to the extent of such inconstancy, there can be no constancy in law…We may think the law is the same if we refuse to change the formulas. The identity is verbal only. The formula has no longer the same correspondence with reality…Law defines a relation not always between fixed points, but often, indeed oftenest, between points of varying position….There is change whether we will it or not.”

He then goes on to talk about Einstein’s theory of relativity and how absolute rest and motion are meaningless, that motion is relevant only in relation to the changing position of other objects/bodies.

From there I go to Peter’s concern with how the law inconsistently metes out justice, and the inconsistencies and outright conflict found in the law. But the fault is not in the law. It is that the law, like other aspects of human behavior, is meted and controlled by humans, who are inherently prone to inconstancy and fault. Justice and the law are not inconstant, although they change continually. The opposing sides, whether the State and a defendant, or two sides in a lawsuit, vary in relation to each other, and justice moves with them.

I think the source of the breakdown in justice is as with any human system, all of which fail us continually. Look at governments, corporations, even PTA’s. Each has its own interests at center of its actions, and as a result cannot be fair and just. That is not the fault of justice. And even to mourn that condition is to mourn being human, with all its choices and beauty and pain.

This is easier to look at conceptually, the difficulty is in the individual application of justice. And here is where we come in. I harbor no illusions about changing the world, that ship has sailed. However, I can be justice (and respect and civility) to each person I interact with.

Justice is not truly based in our rules for external conduct, it is just that we have no other means to resemble it. Levy-Bruhl said that the morals of any given society at any given epoch are determined by the totality of its conditions both from a static and a dynamic view point. Social justice is a becoming if not a continuous process. Cardozo says that “Law accepts as the pattern of its justice the morality of the community whose conduct it assumes to regulate…Morality is not merely different in different communities. Its level is not the same for all the component groups within the same community.” Aristotle said of justice that it was that principle that was thought to partake of the nature of friendship. All of these views of justice have at their very essence a flexibility according to the totality of the situation.

By no means is this intended to be a defense of our system of justice. I do agree that it is messy and chaotic, and often justice does not result. It is, from my point of view, simply a dance-a slow dance of justice.