little forks and big forks

So much of life is determined by very small, seemingly insignificant choices. And yet, when I look behind those choices, I find a pattern emerging. Then every once in a while, I am cognizant that a decision I am making will have far reaching impact in my life, and perhaps the lives of others. When you make something, you make something else, whether or not you intend or desire it. How then to choose well?

I found myself face to face with just such a choice recently. This one at least had the courage to appear as more than just one of those insignificant incremental choices; it stood out as a seminal fork in the road. I dithered for days, thought I'd decided and then changed my mind. In the end, I found that I can only be me, and no one else, regardless of what others might counsel, or themselves choose. I do not mean to imply that this would give me license-in fact it does just the opposite. I may only choose that which provides for both self-respect and respect for others in the world around me. If I desire to live well, I am bound by this dictate.

Dworkin says that there are two fundamental requirements for living well. Self-respect and authenticity; treating our own lives as having the importance to be lived well and having a personal sense of character and commitment to standards and ideals out of which one acts. Choices made poorly are therefore an act of self-betrayal.

Connected to the need for living well is a concept I was discussing with Jean today-integration. I need my life to be as integrated as fully as I can achieve in balance with authenticity. And because I am wired this way, I am making a lonely choice. "You must judge the right way to live for yourself and resist any coercion designed to usurp that authority" (page 212, Justice for Hedgehogs). If you have been reading this blog for a bit, you will recall that I chose a focus for this year of balance and gratitude. Balance requires a look at both what I would choose for my own life, and its impact on others. Because I desire to live as part of a community of persons who know me, and who I know, I cannot just ignore the integration component of the equation. Yet neither can I find a way to be dishonest about who I am, and what living well means for me.

I find integration and authenticity at war within me often, and yet in the end, the advice of Polonius is still valid "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." (William Shakespeare) Note that he says nothing here about the ramifications and misunderstandings that result from being true to oneself.