this world built with my hands

I went to the Holocaust Museum while in DC this week, in part to bear witness, because I think we fortunate ones owe that to those who have been dealt a different path in life.

I knew it would be wrenching, and I was mentally prepared for that. But oh, the evilness that humans are capable of. Let anyone open the door a crack, and we seem to have a limitless capacity for greed, cruelty and debasement of our fellow humans. And just looking at the world we live in today, there are unending examples of this being repeated on a smaller scale, in just about all parts of the world. I just finished reading a book about the early 1900's in Mongolia/China/Russia, wherein humankind did not hesitate to wage war, to enslave and plunder, to kill and take that which belonged to their neighbors, just because they could, and wanted to. It's not that simple, of course, and yet it is. All too simple, the dark side of humanity.

Occasionally there is a bright beacon, a kindness, a dignity bestowed where it was not required, just as there were those who risked their lives to help the victims of the Holocaust. But that list is so much shorter than those who acquiesced. And I can't help but wonder which list I would be on in the event of such pressure, such risk. We all hope and believe we would stand up, would make a difference. But how many of us do that now, in everyday life? If not now, when will we?

There are worse things than dying, and living a lie, a stolen life may be one of them. It is easy to heap shame and blame on the Germans of the Nazi era. But who among us has clean hands? Who defends the person looked down upon by our peers? Who is patient with the hopelessly broken? Who gives when there is no one to see?

breaks are brief and semesters are long

So quickly time away flies! Already headed home from my brief vacation, and back to the books, because the summer term starts next week. Bankruptcy, Moot Court and Criminal Procedures...did I bite off too much for a summer term? All of this is in the hope that I can arrange to take next summer off or with only 1 class so that I can get away on a fantastic trip to central Asia. I miss my adventures on another continent and I don't want to wait for 4 years to go by for the next one. We only have today, and that is very much more clear to me now than it was in my 20's, when life stretched out before me, long and limitless.

I went to Washington this week, and got a very brief glimpse of the Supreme Court in session, which only made me want for more. The whole trip made me realize anew that I need 9 lives to do all the things, and be all the people I want to be. Such a lust for life, but not enough time to live it all. It's tempting to run away, but what I want includes what I have right now, strangely enough. I like the life I have, I just want more-more of it and more of others. This trip turned out to be as introspective as they all are, and that is useful in many ways.

I got a library card for the Library of Congress while in DC, and went in the Law Reading Room. What an awesome breadth of possibilities that pointed out to me. So many kinds of law, so many interesting fields. It's not that I was unaware of them, but it was an in-your-face reminder. And again, a painful reminder that I have only so many years to do whatever I'm going to do, so I can't afford to get it wrong. No wandering allowed in this respect, unlike the wandering I did on the streets of DC.

clothes or books?

I read someplace that the pleasure found in traveling is directly inverse to the amount of baggage one has. I have taken that to heart and generally travel lightly.

I've been reading law only for a while and I am hungering for some other reading. If you had 5 days on your own, what would you leave behind?

The Desert Road to Turkestan
Tone Deaf in Bangkok (and other places)
Silk Roads
Washington DC travel guide
Breakfast with Socrates
Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar...
Bonhoeffer, Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy
It's Not About the Coffee

beds of nails and roses

It turns out that the first year of law school is so very hard because they make it so. Presumably because the goal is to try the Il's by fire. The whole final exam experience is absurdly stressful. I like taking tests, I like writing, I know the law. And yet I still fell apart in my Contracts exam, the subject I love. Why? Because I cared too much?

The entire year built to a crescendo, and this past week was the culmination in a deafening roar. I think I survived, but not without cost to my confidence and definitely not without damage to my GPA. What a fucking ride. Exhilarating and yet punishing.

I'm proud to have finished this year and humbled that it was so challenging. There will no doubt be new and different challenges in the 3 years to come, but none will be quite like this immersion in another world. Gradually, as the year went on, I found I had let go of time with others to the extent that weeks would go by and I would suddenly realize I had not talked to my brother, or done anything with anyone that did not involve studying.

Nice to have a break, and I am counting on the summer classes being a little bit less intense. We shall see. I may have made a mistake taking 3 classes, but they are all 2 hour classes, and with 2 on the same night, I have more evenings free. That may be good and it may be bad. I dare to hope it is slightly less painful than this exam cycle.

Lack of discipline will get you nowhere

If only I had learned how to study in high school. I managed without it in undergrad but in law school the skill would come in very handy.

I managed to study enough for my crim law final, just finished it a short while ago. Came home and pulled the books and notes for Contracts, which is Monday. No rest for the wicked, or weary or is it the undisciplined?

the last class

Tonight we had the final class session for our 1L year. Tuesday was our last Crim Law, Wednesday our Contracts and tonight our Torts. No one seemed to want to leave after class was done, hanging around talking and knowing that this group would not be reassembled again. Some will leave, some will stay, but others will join us. And during the summer we are taking different classes. I sound ridiculously sentimental, but I have enough life experience to know that this group is a special one. We melded and coalesced in a way not expected at the outset. I know that coalescence has been a recurring theme of this blog, but it is remarkable, and I treasure it. Therefore I mourn the ending of our first year. A year of naivete and 'uncarved block' ness, as Pooh would say.

And now we are in the home stretch for exams. The first one is Criminal Law, on Tuesday. Just 5 days, and a lot of review to be done. Yet I am going to work tomorrow, to the hardware store after work, and because I'm getting 8 yards of dirt delivered on Friday, I shall be wheelbarrowing dirt on Saturday morning. Saturday evening my family is coming over for a birthday dinner and Sunday morning we are having birthday breakfast for one of our classmates. Yes, I am crazy. But I think it will all work out. I need dirt in my life too, although perhaps not at exam time.

why follow the yellow brick road?

The stated purpose of this blog is to chronicle life as a law student in middle age. The thing is that so many other things combine to make up life, and I find it difficult to limit my comments to law related topics alone. Everything informs the next thing. When you make something, you make something else. Cause and effect, a stone thrown into the water creates ripples long after it is gone from sight. And so it is with my life. While law school is engaging and demanding, I still have a more than full time job that also demands much of me. And I have two grown children, a grandchild, brothers, sister, elderly parents. My yard still needs mowed and my clothes need laundered. I have to make decisions about how I will eat, how I will live as a citizen of the world. And unlike when I was 20 and an undergrad, those decisions can't wait, and are not just discussions of what I am going to do. They are the here and now, I've lived more life than I have still left to live, and time's awasting. I must not put off important things until after law school. I must choose priorities and find ways to fit in what matters. And of course, I still need to pass my exams, and I want to excel at them.

You ask why I have chosen this monumental undertaking at this point in my life? It was time. It was time to start down the path that will finish out my working days (I hope). More than that, it was time to learn again, to challenge myself, to prevent myself from becoming complacent and stuck. Since we apparently only get one run at this thing we call life, and since I feel the loss of time, I had to figure out how best to fully inhabit my days. Not being independently wealthy, I am going to spend more of my waking hours at work than anyplace else for at least the next 20 years. And that means that what I do for work, how I spend those hours, really matters. I know that how I treat my fellow human beings, my earth, my soul, my body, all these matter. But if that same sense of values is not in some way integrated into how I earn a paycheck, I am missing the greatest opportunity to fully inhabit my days that I have.

I don't know where this will take me, but I feel serene in the belief that this is where I should be right now. And that is enough for the moment. All the rest of life is swirling around, and I am not certain of the wisdom of so many other choices, but this one thing I know. I belong in law school today.