see saw

There seems always to be an inequality of friendship that cannot ever be resolved. Much like romantic relationships where one loves more than the other, this is a recurring theme in nearly all relationships, it seems. I do not want the burden of you caring more than I do, nor do I want the weakness of caring more than you. The options, though, seem limited. Check out completely? How to do that and still squeeze all the juice out of life? I know enough about who I am that I know certain strategies simply are not sustainable. It may be a uniquely American issue-this need for community and belongingness, with a still stronger need for independence and the ability to limit our commitment to others. Sounds rather selfish, doesn't it? Yet it is our culture, and part of who we are. And I rather like the freedom it gives, frankly. I think perhaps it means loneliness for many, but then again, it is quite possible to be lonely in a crowd of people who know you but do not understand you (aka family). And being boxed in by one's history has its drawbacks as well. Push and pull, yin and yang, what will it be? Probably a constantly shifting response to the most immediate need, and no long term comprehensive approach to life on this planet. Humanity is sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly, but always messy.

my wagon trail

For the first time in my life, I will not have a Christmas tree this year. This is a personal choice, fueled mostly by the necessity of allocating time. I suppose some part of it is also that I want to relax sometime during my holiday break from school, and taking down the tree is a chore I dread. So, presto...no tree to take down if I don't put it up! I've given up many things on this law school journey, sort of a figurative wagon trail, where the remains of things left behind to lighten the load litter the side of the road. All deemed important treasures at the outset, but as time and the journey take their toll, something needed to be sacrificed. My pile includes time with my brother, reading for pleasure, traveling and my garden. I hope to return to these things in due time,but I am mindful that some things do not wait. And so I struggle to balance it all, and still survive this chosen journey.

a list

Thanksgiving dinner, and we took the time to talk about some things we were thankful for. My list is long, but sometimes you would not know it. First thing on Thanksgiving morning, I went running. As I ran, I fretted-about how to get my studying done, how to pay for law school, the upcoming audit at work, the list of things to fret over was plentiful. And suddenly I realized, it's Thanksgiving. And while I do have legitimate worries, I have many, many things to be thankful for. Time to think about what I have, rather than focus on what I don't have done. I'm reminded of the things I wanted to focus on in 2011, and gratitude was one of them. How easy it is to forget in the daily push! I'm thankful for the way the bath mat feels on my bare feet, the way I feel after a good run, the opportunity to study law and the intellectual stimulation that comes with it. Good friends, my family, the garden that I spend too little time in, the pleasure of intimate connection with another, all of these. For having a voice in my path, for independence-ah, perhaps the greatest gift for someone like me. This list could go on, and perhaps it's mundane or at least trite. Still, an approach to the day that includes gratitude for all the day holds cannot but help. Let me be present today, in this day.

a matter of perspective

Old friends long unseen, with whom there is a level of comfort and acceptance hard to find elsewhere. And yet, a sense of loss, of damage not to be undone, too much to capture with words and the time allotted-and are we so far past the days of knowing that it's not worth retrieving? And is the remembered intimacy really that or just a fallacy? Or do the lost days not matter, we slipping comfortably into what can only be compared to a favorite flannel shirt that is so soft and fits just so. And in the exchange of new words, the companionship and ease of old friendship is more than satisfactory. Where words are really not as important anyway. New friends, no ugly history, everything bright and shiny. The excitement of new discoveries, so many questions to be asked. New ideas, introductions to a way of thinking not yet known before. Or just an attempt to leave ourselves behind, yet again? And having to explain the scars, with inevitable misunderstood landmarks on the path of my life that may derail the friendship or may elevate it-a risk that may not be worth taking. Unsaid things are beautiful or ugly, sometimes both. When I hold my tongue to ease the path of another, it is good. When I hold back words because I do not want to take the risk of trusting you, the person I call friend, then the cost, while unknown perhaps, is great.

meow

Slowly climbing out of the pit of impossibility and finding ways to study, learn and even live a little. Thanksgiving is coming soon, and time with friends is a siren song. Running with Abigail on Saturdays, the farmer's market, occasional dinner and conversation-somehow there is still time for a little of this. I'm sort of like the cat in the poster, hanging on by its claws. And still...I might make it. No time for movies, books or the garden, but time to breathe, as long as I'm listening to law while I do it.

broken record

I detect a theme in my life right now. I am freaking out at the work left to be done before exams, work is pressing, and life is stacking up. But all of this I chose. I need to find a way to be present in it, and appreciate the beauty even in this pressure cooker. Otherwise, why bother? And meantime, I also need to find a few more hours a day. Since I'm not giving up sleep, eating, work, running or school, I will no doubt be absent from here for much of November. Hopefully I will have something to say at last.