So Hercules and Sisyphus went for a walk...

I decided to count the rows of tables this morning, because my computer was all set up and I had time to kill.  39 rows of 30.  That's a lot of bar takers.  Plus those in Santa Clara, Sacramento, San Diego, LA and maybe someplace else.  Statistically we can't all pass.  But it eludes me how to tell who is who.

The mood in the room has altered perceptibly today.  Part of it is that we have all gotten somewhat familiar with our assigned seatmates but mostly it's the realization that we are almost done.  The head proctor had no difficulty gaining our attention on Tuesday, but by noon today he had to ask us to quiet down.  1,100 plus of us, almost done.  Hard to sit quietly with all that going on.  Whether we have done enough to pass is an open question, but all that remains now is one 3 hour PT.

And then a drink or two and discovery of what lies beyond his herculean task.

I don't feel great about how I've done, nor do I feel I've surely failed.  I'm somewhere in I-don't-know-and-I-won't-know-for-four-months.  Well, fuck.  I knew this was coming but I like it less now that it's here.  Still, I have a rational understanding of the gift of this thing.  Having done this, I know I am capable of more.  And having to wait to learn the results is the only thing that makes my planned trip possible.  So I shall stop whining shortly.  In a little while.

I wish it done

I was asleep by 9 last night, and good thing, because I was awake this morning before 4.  It turns out that Peet's doesn't open until 5:30, but the early morning was pleasant as I waited on the plaza steps.  I drank my coffee, reviewed my outline and people watched, nodded to the music in my headphones and sometimes fretted.

I am trying to forget the last two days and focus on today-easy to say and a little harder to do.  I don't know if I've done enough to pass, and I have a feeling that the ease I thought I'd find after this is over will be pockmarked with a new worry-what if I didn't pass?  Already I can think of things I should have said, should not have said, MBE's I am sure I got wrong.  Ahhh...the joy of the experience escapes me this morning.

I can see why people seek out others who also have just taken the exam, so that they can alternately disassemble the experience piece by piece, and then reassemble it into something they can live with for four months.  On the other hand, part of me is tempted to avoid them altogether.  What use is such false assurance anyway?  Besides, I'm frightened of the abyss that is rimmed by realization that I missed something big.

I worked so hard for this, I can't imagine how I could have done it better.  Which begs the question of what to do if I don't pass this thing.  That question will have to wait, because I still have a job to do.

Time to step over the edge of today.

Day two

I spent the early morning walking around my neighborhood some more, and then sitting at Peet's, reading about permaculture and chicken evisceration, among other things.  Why?  Because for a short time it removes me utterly from my purpose in being here, to take the CA state bar exam. 

Day two awaits, slightly less daunting than day one, if only because it is not entirely new now.  It also helps my nerves a bit that today is all MBE's.  They are not easy, and a full day of them will no doubt be very tiring as each requires a new investment of energy and mental process.  But the risk is spread over 200 questions rather than a few.  Not knowing a particular answer is not quite so devastating to my mental well-being, and probably doesn't harm my chances of passing so very much.

I've heard so many stories about people vomiting or crying or running from the room in these exams.  So far, no drama that I'm aware of.  Of course there are about 1,000 people in the room, so I don't know what's going on way over there.  I feel older here than I did in law school, so many of the bar takers are in their 20's, fresh from undergrad plus three years of law school.  For once my age serves me well, as I can draw on some real life practice at managing nerves and crisis.  Still, I do feel a bit like an interloper.

I am steadfastly refusing to talk about the questions, other than to say the general topics, because I can't afford the emotional chaos that will result if I hear that someone saw an issue that I did not, or that I talked about one that wasn't really there.  I need all the confidence I can muster going into Thursday, so I'm wearing my virtual blinders and ear muffs, and moving forward.

I went for a walk yesterday after the exam, and it was lovely.  All the stress had temporarily dropped away, and I was in a city I don't know, gone walkabout as so many times before.  This morning, as the time to start draws near, my gut begins to clench, and I have to remember to breathe.  I suppose each day will be like this.

Examsoft had a problem yesterday, with bar takers all across the country unable to upload their exams.  I would have been freaked out by it, but I had uploaded my morning exams during lunch, so I knew there wasn't a problem with my account or setup.  And then I heard fairly soon after not being able to upload last evening that everyone was having the same problem.  Still, it was a load off my shoulders when it finally went about 8:30 last night.  

Time to beard the lion in its den.

the day before

The last couple of weeks has been a welcome respite from the anxiety I felt previously over the bar exam.  This morning once again my mind is free to worry because I don't have definite tasks in front of me.  I'm told that I need to rest today, and that makes sense.  A three day test is nothing if not an endurance test.  Still, my mind hasn't gotten the message and since it's not engaged in today's topic, small things start to surface.

I'm sure it would be entertaining to survey a large group of bar-takers, but for me the worries seem to center on my computer malfunctioning. I really don't want to have to handwrite the exam.  I suppose if it wasn't that, it would be something else.  Oddly, I worried less each day the exam got closer about actually knowing the law.

The plan calls for some diversion this morning, and travel to Oakland midday.  My cup of coffee calls from Peet's, and the day commences.

periodic and intermittent

After this, then what?  I've been so busy trying to scale this mountain that it's easy to push the thought of the other side away.  I can readily justify putting it off, so much is required today-for the next step, the next hours.  I'll take the bar exam next week, and then wait four months for the results- a sort of limbo.

I was talking with my friend last evening, and we happened on to the topic of life after the Bar.  When you are 21 or 25, it's perhaps acceptable to take a sabbatical from grown up life.  But I've been either Mom or wage-earner so long that the thought feels illicit, foolish and a little frightening.

Yet why?   This time in front of me is a rare gift, it will pass so quickly, and will never come again. Perhaps I'll have such time if/when I retire but that is a long way off, and my ability to go on far adventures at that point is, at best, uncertain.  I feel slightly embarrassed, as though I must explain myself, but I wish I did not feel so.

This trip I'm planning is in accord with who I am, my view of life, with my priorities.  I do not wish to play it safe and end with regret for not having tried.  If I were that person, I'd never have gone to law school in the first place.  I sometimes wish that adulthood did not also mean the end of unmitigated joy.  And yet that very characteristic is part of what makes intermittent joy so precious.

opposites or not

I had expected my anxiety to increase as the bar exam grew closer, but oddly this has not been the case.  In fact, about two weeks out I came upon what I thought was the eye of the storm.  A mixture of calm resignation and dogged onwardness.

I can't say that the anxiety doesn't continue to raise its head, because it does.  And I dream-a lot.  But some sort of undertone of either capacity or foolish belief has taken hold, and I feel it too, along with the worry.

This combination makes for an odd coupling-like most, I suppose.  At variance and yet accustomed to the other's presence so that both end up part of the other.  I am unable at times to separate the dance in my head and see who is who.

I know I will miss it when the music ends.

Accoutrements and excess baggage

I like to travel light-I'm a believer in what someone once said (I've forgotten who) about the joys of travel being inversely proportionate to the amount of baggage.  But these days are a different kind of journey.

What is required to study for the bar exam?  Well, there's my laptop, which has a lot of my notes and practice exams, plus it provides access to Barbri's web site.  And then I need a bag to carry it in.  And the power cord.  And books, several of them. Notebooks full of notes I will probably never look at again, but I might need that today. And lunch, and coffee, and my water bottle.  And kleenex and my ipod-not that those two are related, exactly.

You see where I'm going with this.  How much do I really need?  At what point do I realize I can't possibly use all the things I just carted in from the trunk of my car, which is currently serving as my 'office'?  Well, no, that's not my question.  More importantly, when is it too much to carry in one trip?

If I were a more disciplined person, I could just study at home and then all this schlepping would be unnecessary.  But I'm not, so instead I've gotten good at carrying it all at once.

Jack's view on things

Do snails have teeth?

Today when the alarm went off, I hit the snooze and decided I needed sleep more than a run.  But the chickens called and I got up anyway.  I'm sitting in the classroom now, listening to Kate Wolf, contemplating all that I should do.  My body aches in various places, the coffee's cooling in my cup, and I know I should be trying to commit equitable defenses to memory, or making sure I have Pereira and Van Camp down.  Yet still I just sit here.  Soon enough the day will commence in earnest, so I'll sit here like a snail on the basil in my garden.  It looks like I'm doing nothing but I'm really getting ready.

To whom much is given

We are 20 days from the first day of the CA bar exam, and I am fluctuating daily between terror and some level of confidence that I'll be able to fake whatever I don't know.  We are all dreaming about the bar, fighting sleeplessness and other physical, mental and emotional manifestations of this extended stress.

A fellow bar prepper shared an article from a law professor who bi-annually makes predictions about what will be on the bar exam-there are 14 subjects and they can't give us essays on all of them.    

In wrapping up his specific suggestions about what to be prepared for, the professor talks about how fortunate we are to have the opportunities for education that we have, and how that compares to the rest of the world.  

He says that many people in the world can't even read or write because even basic education is denied them based on their ethnicity or gender, or because their parent cannot afford the fees.  I can't vouch for the stats he quotes, but the underlying message rings true.  He says that approximately 793MM people in the world are illiterate, and most of them are women. (Professor John Heilman, Southwestern Law School)

I'd say this will stop my whining, refocus me on what matters and elevate my thinking to a higher plane.  Of course it won't, at least not for an extended period of time.  But it has the effect just now of quieting my mind and helping me look past myself for a moment.  There's a whole big world out there.

the words roll off my tongue

Severally, jointly, or in the alternative

Poetry, isn't it?

gratitude

These halcyon days of bar prep are marching inexorably to a close.  Only three weeks now.  I took a little field trip to Oakland yesterday to scope out the location, and my nearby hotel.  My laptop is registered and so am I.  All that remains is three weeks of full on memorization, practice exams and MBE's.

Time to pause for a moment today and be grateful for this experience and for this time.  It's a hollowed out space in the vast sand dunes of life, where I can burrow in and pull a blanket over my head, protection against the coastal winds, and the vagaries of weather.

As happens whenever I contemplate the actual exam, my heart races, anxiety roars up like a wild thing.  And I try to remember to come to this place where my quiet terror meets with some perspective.  This is a big thing- for me at least, but there are other, more difficult battles being waged daily, endlessly, around me.  I saw a face this morning on my run that reminded me that many face challenges not of their choosing.  I am blessed.