I want what I want, until I get it

You work for something and then in the end, you wonder what it means. How important is it, really? What really matters when it's all said and done? I swear I don't know, and I don't think I ever will. I could say that caring for others, and being cared for, are paramount. But that caring seems so fleeting too. One that you thought would be a part of your life for always, is gone tomorrow, whether due to death, life changes or just a slow death of friendship. What really lasts? Some would say it is God, religion, belief in the eternal. But I do not know how to believe in what I do not believe. I do think that we are spiritual beings, and this must mean something. I just don't know what. I long for permanence and then I chafe when I achieve it. The grass continues to be greener over there, no matter which field I'm in. And so Christmas, which seemed to bright and wonderful, has lost some of its shine. And what is left? Some pleasant and even meaningful time with friends and family, some gifts given with loving intent, and glasses raised together. But then there is tomorrow, and I don't see the reason now for all that pre-Christmas rush. Normally I would be looking past January and February, and planning for the garden. But this year there is no time for that, and perhaps that is for the best. What value this annual cycle, this doing over again what was done before? But what value is there in any of the strivings, in any of the things we do? Still, I want the things I want, not the least of which is meaningful time spent with fellow human beings. Such a series of contradictions!