Saturday, November 3, 2012
sacrifice with no pay out
One more gone. Actually two. This late in the game, it's not only surprising but it seems so much more harsh. To have put in over two years of this, giving up so much to be part of this law school experience, and to have it come to naught-that would be difficult to come to terms with. It's not even so much about the money, although that in itself is painful enough. It is more about the self that we have invested. We have to some degree surrendered ourselves up to this process wherein we are molded, stretched, tormented and re-formed. It is not without cost, particularly to relationships outside of the law environment. To find myself unable to complete the journey at this point would, I think, fill me with rage, dismay, feelings of failure, dark, dark things.
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Someone asked me yesterday whether I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I replied I don't even see the tunnel. We had no idea of the sacrifices that a middle-aged excursion through law school would entail, but I don't have the luxury of reflection at this point. I try to maintain focus on what I hope to accomplish when I finish this journey: to fight the injustices that are rampant in this society of ours. There is nothing noble about such a quixotic endeavor, and in fact it's downright humbling, as you know well. I'm sick of seeing the strong take advantage of the weak. In my clumsy, inept, and (to date) wholly ineffectual way, I will try and try and try again. It's my fate to play the Fool, the Dreamer.
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