No matter how we prepare, the next stage of the journey surprises. I've been expecting the news that my job will be a casualty of the merger in process, but it was a shock anyway to get the official word. I have about a month before the deal closes, and I am involuntarily unemployed for the first time in my life.
Given that I need to take time to study for the Bar Exam starting in late May, the timing of this could hardly be better for me personally. Still, I have spent the last few days careening between calm acceptance, worry over the future, sadness at the loss, and excitement at the new chapter. Round and round I go. I'm sure this is a predictable response, but it feels quite personal when it's me experiencing it. Because I tend to draw closed the curtain to the outside when I feel vulnerable, I've been slow to share the news, in spite of having told everyone I know over the past few months that it was coming. I suppose I was trying to innoculate myself from the shock, but alas, I still felt it.
I've rearranged the furniture, feeling the urge to purge myself of 'things', but I know even as I do so that it's an attempt at control when I'm feeling out of control in other ways.
The good thing is that I know this will pass. I will later look on this and reflect on the possibilities I could not see from my current vantage point. For now, I wonder who I'll be, now that I'm no longer who I was.
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